My View (Poem on Racism)

["lil Neefy"]

dis a quicky so yeah.. its a lil' butchered

It perplexes me that we can be so opinionated...
a world full of blacks and whites, and colors in between...
stompin each otha cuz they was feelin hated...
body droppin, lead flyin, the worst war ive eva seen...
Da civil rights act shoulda squashed dis big ass fight...
but in some ways it made it worse...
it dont matta if you skin is dark or light...
each race wants the otha to lie down in a hurse...

(change in form)

Every man created equal, well atleast thats what they say...
i have yet to see this sayin come true, cuz stupid ppl alwayz gettin in da way...
I think its time to take a stand, and squash this big ole beef...
then we could all rest easy, with a big sigh of relief...
Cuz i got yo back and you got mine, thats what i thnk it should be...
1 big nation that looks like an oreo, from sea to shining sea...

(lol last line is stupid... actually this whole things is pretty wack for me..i can write so much betta, but nothin to do so i made a quick poem)

[Mocha Rain]

You're right, it was a little butchered. The scheme wasn't as fluid and eloquent as I would have hoped for given the potential of the topic.

Work more on getting your thoughts out coherently. You have potential...

[fine art]

not bad but out of the topic. i expected sum'ng a bit more punching with the tittle u gave.

just keep working on ur topics!!! i know racism is a big complex u tryin to get over 4 u guys.yet its a bit played out so write about sum'ng u can identify with(poetry is u).
come to South Africa if u wana hear heavy racial topics,then u'l fel what im talking about.

[steveontrial]

too direct for my taste. i like it when a poem isnt just spelled out for me. most good poems make the readers think, and can be interperated without an explaination.

["lil Neefy"]

thnx for da feedback.... sorry it was so plain, i just got bored and this is a topic that came to mind... and um... find art, you think poetry is my thing? when all these ppl said my shit wasnt good lmao

[Atti]

*Shrug*

Kinda Bored Me To Be Honest.
Wich Sucked Cuz It Could Have Gone So Much Better.

The Structure And Grammer Were Really Off,
Wich, You Warned Us Of So I Looked Past That While Reading
... But Still,

I Think I've Gotta Agree With Steve Up There,
Just To Direct.
Didint Really Have Any Awing Metaphors Or Imagery
... In A Concept That Has So Many Oportunities For It.

Ya, I Dunno Man Didnt Really Like It
... I'll Be Sure To Check Something More Polished Of Yours Though.

And I'd Apreciate It If You Could Return The Favor On My New Poem:
"Razorblade Romance" - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=227640

Thanks Alot.

["lil Neefy"]

i'll check it sometime mayne fo sho, lil' busy right now