Jailin

[Baby-GStyle's]

jailin was tha love of my life he said goodbye and kissed my momma goodnight, jailin was my life he asked me to marry him i said no i just could'nt bare to live with him he had 6 kids by 5 different woman, 1 by tha woman he was given. he told me he loved me but he fucked a different woman by hind my back he said i never did anythang to let u choke, so stop lying then i wont?

[Mocha Rain]

In all honesty, I thought this was abysmal. The run-on sentences and lack of punctuation, along with the misspelling of a few words is what threw me off. The structure was non existent. I can say the only good thing about this piece was the emotion behind it, and even that was minimal.

However, I take it we're all posting here to grow as writers, as opposed to getting our horns tuted by people we couldn't care less about...So...I'll leave you with this: watch out for punctuation; make sure your structure is in tact; some imagery would be nice, but not so much that it compromises the emotion with in the piece. Also, don't worry yourself over excessive rhyming. Rhyming doesn't make a piece good, and at times, abundant rhyming can take away from the content of the piece itself. Keep writing...I feel you have potential. You simply need to expand your thoughts. Maybe make up a diagram of your sentiments before writing and then try to incorporate that into your work. It may be of service to you. Anyway...just trying to help, as I'm sure you're here to expand on your already noticeable potential

Stay up, and keep at it.