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Thread: Last Breath (battle ishy)

  1. #1
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Last Breath (battle ishy)

    Last Breath

    Quietly, a comment released and tension is eased,
    The final push, as the doctor’s yell, “squeeze!”
    She can’t believe, her daughter and heart, finally delivered,
    She pulls her close as the baby quivers,
    The slight moan escaped the child’s mouth,
    Her vision was fogged and covered… clouded,
    But she doubted her daughter would be born with flaws,
    So she screamed in pain, clawed in awe,
    As the doctors pried the discolored figure from her,
    Sobs of pain left her lips as the child was transferred,
    She panted and screamed as the time seemed,
    To pass tardily, along with her self-esteem,
    Later she was told and she protested with a bold…
    Mask covering her pain struck face that holds,
    The key to her life’s success, this was her baby!
    She had her whole life ahead; maybe enlist in the navy,
    You could never pay me, enough to face her now,
    As she moved in an out, with a an evasive frown,
    And wow, she would plow through the crowds, adoption.
    She wanted her own child, but she had limited options,
    A single wife, forget the husband in life,
    But she struggled about her age, even though despite…
    The pain she endured, the mundane days assured,
    That a broken brain and heart… can never be cured.
    She would lie in bed, or curl in the corner,
    Passing by the hours, as the cried and mourned her,
    She recalled the day sadly, withdrew sounds of pain,
    People thought she was crazy, but to this day she claims:
    The child’s smirk mistaken for a smile at death,
    As the baby leaned on her mother, passing her last breath.


    *getting links*
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post2914348
    Last edited by Incineratedrose; August 7th, 2005 at 04:06 AM
    MondoThugs.

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  2. #2
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    really dope man...kinda got me right in tha soft spot....im fixin to have a son..my girls due in december...real emotional though man...really intricate to..not real complex...had a simplicity to it...but that fit tha rhyme scheme and flow...i loved tha ending too...vrey tight..keep droppin tha hottness as usual...check out tha link in my sig titled ~Dark Green Woods~..id appreciate it.~1~


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  3. #3
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Thank you, and returned.
    MondoThugs.

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  4. #4
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Up.
    MondoThugs.

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  5. #5
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    Talking

    it was good i like the scheme and stlye

  6. #6
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Why the laugh?
    MondoThugs.

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  7. #7
    Alize59
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    Yo good shit i was really feelin diz. U picked a real good topic i think. Very nice use of vocabulary, nice flow, and good structure. Good shit man. Keep up da work cuz i'll b readin more of ur stuff. 1 (Rtf on my battle in my sig please)

  8. #8
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    Great job i liked the whole flow of it
    Lost me a couple of times but its cool
    Work on using more multis
    Should know since u been here for 1 year an a half
    That it could have been elevated a lil more
    some of ur vocab wuz to basic

    But this wuz a good subject srry if i wuz being harsh
    just letting u know the truth but it wuz a great OM
    i enjoyed it keep writing btw i wuz feeling wut u were saying

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  9. #9
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    Really tight man. The flow was tight, the wordplay was tight, the shit you was talkin' bout was tight (the lady havin' the baby). I liked your vocabulary too, although I agree with Murderous Venom that some vocabulary was to basic. But it's phat. Keep em' up!
    Stunt

  10. #10
    :.There will be Blood.:
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    Dope Drop. most def...
    Seems it could have been more complex in parts -n- the vocab could have been upped, but i mean shit anyone that drops a verse knows that....
    Very Deep as well, one of the dopest Drops ive read on this site...

    Check out my Battle and Vote Honestly if you don't mind...
    :.Apollo .:

  11. #11
    :.There will be Blood.:
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    Your Verse - 9/10 drop most def...
    :.Apollo .:

  12. #12
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Feel free to nominate it for Hof if you're in the mood
    MondoThugs.

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  13. #13
    Banned MetaSin's Avatar
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    goood shit good shit no doubt I liked where you was headed wit this shit nice flow structure plain nice dope drop all around keep up the work I give it a 47/50 so thats about the best I ever gave somebody so you know it was a good drop I will have my OM out soon when I'm done the link will be in my sig~1~

  14. #14
    From the first few lines i thought this would be a bore n didnt care 4 the topic too much....but i read on and it suprised me, you got deep on this shit with a flow that kept me readin on...nice shit duke

  15. #15
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    Thank all of joo!
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