Under 6 Feet...

[Xclusiv One]

Links I replied too:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207173


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207752




Freestyle I spat today.....not tha best shit ever..but hey..





I'm the memory of an image that's been distorted,
Not rewritten history it's been precorded/
Words imbeded in time, like a fossil in stone,
Remnance of somethin great yet to be shown/
Clouds line the sky in silver lining,
the sun eclipses and the moon stops shining/
All happiness is gone when darkness begins to fall,
Time slows down and it begins to crawl/
Nightime clouds my brain with evil intent,
My perception of life become twisted and bent/
My visual conceptions seem to astound you,
And like darkness all my thoughts surround you/
Let go of all yo fear and let my rhymes unbound you,
The days we live in bring sad thoughts/
and hope floats the oceans,
Roll the notions to get through life/
while showin no emotions,
Feel I gotta be tough/
to get what I need to plant my seed,
Gotta be rough cause greed takin over/
jealousy spread like a weed,
Hate is the sum of all the world's fear/
Stay away from violence..Steer clear,
This sh1t is from me to you it's just peer to peer/
from my ear to yo ear,
Keep this real till the days of golden/
Moldin..Holdin rap down and shaping,
The pain inside me scars me deep/
Alive and talking but my spirit still asleep,
One day this sh1t gonne get me buried under six feet/

[Foreshadow]

This was better man.. It had a point and it was readable and one problem I had is that you got your facts mixed up.. Because the moon is in front of the sunb when an eclipse takes place.. But the flow was consistent and the imagery was nice..

[Xclusiv One]

thx for tha feedback man, and btw I knew the sun thing was backward...was kinda part of the surreal vusialization of it all....but stil I sppreciate tha feedback...


peace

[Dan Dare]

I'm not gonna close this, but you should really try to leave longer feedback in future.

[Dae One]

okay then......here i go.....
"I'm the memory of an image that's been distorted,
Not rewritten history it's been precorded/
Words imbeded in time, like a fossil in stone,
Remnance of somethin great yet to be shown"

^^^^^^nice opening...sets the tone for the verse.....flows really nice
"Nightime clouds my brain with evil intent,
My perception of life become twisted and bent/"

^^^^really like these bars, i can relate to the feeling and it really brings good imagery to tha table...

could of ended a lil better i think....but a nice piece that i enjoyed reading, keep it up dawg p'z