Originally Posted by
Ill-Mental™
Hey all! it's half past Jihad Thirty and the shit is really hitting the fan. Seeing as I, and everyone who doesn’t agree with me, has only about (insert very short amount of time here ________) to live, we may as well drop some mad science on “yo’ ass”. Now this may upset some, but I am here today to purport the great joy of being a "proper racist".
Racism is still one of those topics that, even in today’s broad thinking, Post-Joe-Millionaire society, stir primordial rage. I can tell you that being a racist is great fucking fun. Before anyone gets their panties all in a wad, let me tell you that what society now deems as “being a Racist” is not even entirely accurate. The Cambridge Dictionary defines racist as:
<i>Racist; n: “someone who believes that other races are not as good as their own and therefore treats them unfairly”</i> – well that’s fine, I can agree with that. I would appreciate it if you would withhold immediate judgment of me in case you happen to catch me at a party busting off a good towelhead joke.
What all of these people do-gooders claim to be racism these days is not racism at all – I prefer to call it “Extreme Stereotyping”. For example, golf is white man’s game played by elitist snobs? That is mostly true (right?), but not entirely - the #1 golfer of all time is a mutha’ fuckin’ black man! Is every person of Arabic decent a terrorist? No, but 100% of the 9/11 hijackers were dune coons. There are always exceptions, but it’s what happens the majority of the time that is important! What’s with the 9 deep Mexican car pools? Why do all rice dicks drive like shit? What compels the Irish to drink? Are the polish really that dim? And don’t even get me started on THE FUCKING FRENCH!
This mix of country angst, blind hate, and stupidity all simmer together to make a fine stew. Moments of sheer genius gleam. Once, I was on my way to San Diego and we stopped at a gas station somewhere on I-5. As I was draining my gizzard, I saw a list of derogatory names for black folk. So let’s see: niggers, porch monkeys, jigaboos, they even threw in “blue gums”, but other than that, it was all pretty standard stuff. Then I see “MOON CRICKETS”. I’m like “MOON CRICKETS?” – I mean I can see where they came up with some of the other ones, but “MOON CRICKETS?" – it makes no sense, how stupid! When we get to San Diego, we check in and go across the street to eat at Denny’s with some of Stefanie’s Friends, and as I was sitting there with two fine upstanding mulleted SD locals and one hot fucking friend I told them about what I had read on the bathroom wall, and one of them straightened it all out for me like this : “It’s like moon because it’s dark, right? , and crickets cause they are loud and you can’t get rid of them ." I couldn’t believe it: so ignorant, so simple, but really great stuff.
Fact is, I enjoy this kind of humor immensely, even when it’s at my own expense! Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it, and one to drink till the room spins. I think those are great fucking jokes. Even the jokes about Scottish and White people, I don’t get offended because I have evolved beyond that shit. You might say it’s not cool for me “to belittle the hardships of your people…” or whatever. Ok look…slavery has been over since the late 1800s and people are still bitching about reparations, while the Jews (6 Million to the oven) went through far worse - less than 60 years ago! Now those stinking ass sheenies own everything! You know Hitler was a mean guy, but he wasn’t shit compared to Mao Tse Tung (34.4 million zipperheads from 1949-1976) or Stalin (42.7 million served). You know you are dealing with some serious oppression when you need to round up to the nearest .10 of millions dead, but THEY seem to be over it!! So what I’m trying to say is, everyone has had it bad at one time or another. The best thing you can is learn your lessons and move on. Remember: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.
So with that being said…nigger, wap, slant, hebe, cracker, towelhead, mick, limey, beaner!! I can get away with that because a true racist minces real hate with these words. You need not concern yourself with Me, David Allen Coe, or Chris Rock. By understanding this and being able to laugh at yourself, you truly become “the enlightened one” - able to move on to bigger, better things after you have shed the albatross of oppression. Now armed with this new outlook on society; the next time you are at a party, you should just forget about doing the obligatory over the shoulder glances when you are about to bust out one of your favorite jokes about moon crickets, Micks or beaners. Just let it fly – you are progressive and ahead of the curb. Just remember there is no need to feel bad as they are rolling you into the trauma center at the ICU for multiple stab wounds…YOU are “the enlightened one.”
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