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Thread: <><><>The Wrong Pregnancy<><><>

  1. #1
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    <><><>The Wrong Pregnancy<><><>

    ...her stomachs swollen with life...
    ...baby feeds off steamed emotions...
    ...this jealousy's stollen my wife...
    ...stollen my baby,its holdin my knife...
    ...she's ripe with nectar from my seed...
    ...spill my lecture while it festers as it breaths...
    ...my babys passing stages no invasions...
    ...leaked on pages,tha ink still bleeds...
    ...no drugs in her system,shes been clean...
    ...soon to be mother, past fiend...
    ...makin sure tha glass clean, methamphetamine...
    ...her lovely eyes swellin wit fear...
    ...that little voices yells in her ear,u best disappear...
    ...six months now her minds been boggled...
    ...by whats about to happen,tha things shell have to toggle...
    ...uncertainty's shaded like goggles...
    ...on tha table breathin and pushin...
    ...now your seasoned and gushin...
    ...your fatigue has layed on this cushion...
    ...now its delayed and prolonged pushin...
    ...tha baby comes nearly five hours...
    ...cord around tha throat in her eyes its sour...
    ...she was brain dead already,exists a drugs true power...

  2. #2
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    uppin for a little feed back and critique.~1~

  3. #3
    Vertikle
    Guest
    good piece man....................weird structure but flowed good........Vocab was average and rhyme scheme was nice here, keep up the good work...........

  4. #4
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    well im not on thiss name but im still uppin for y piece to get critiqued.~1~


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  5. #5
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    uppin...this shouldnt have got slept on.~1~

  6. #6
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    It was okay seeing how it was like a sick emotional piece.. But other then that the imagery wasn't real strong and the description was the same.. Keep posting man..

  7. #7
    .Angelic. shawty"B"'s Avatar
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    This is definatly sick and twisted, what would possess you to write in this fashion about something like this kind of confused me, but hey, if thats your style thats how you do. Imagery skipped around and it didnt seem like you too much cared what it looked like. Keep writin though, you'll fond somethin that works for you eventually....


    keep droppin



    ....bless

    ~*UnO*~

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  8. #8
    From the stage your at you can only get better..

    Lengthen your responses in the future.
    This isn't adequate feedback
    Last edited by Mantra; July 15th, 2005 at 12:37 AM

  9. #9
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    nice reply....thanks.~1~


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