Thoughts of the Blind (Collab by:Blind Thoughts:Creation)

[Vertikle]

2 links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202522
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202152




THOUGHTS OF THE BLIND

(DiverseSyndicate)
Tha thoughts of tha blind,leavin people lost they cant find....
never mind washin my rhymes,they remain caked wit filth....
im lost in my mind,cause its draped with a cape made of silk....
i may bathe in milk,but i realize i cant see tha tub.....
i feel tha water 5 times stronger,but i cant feel tha love....
outcasted from my prison in my mind my soul gives a hug....
try to seek tha comfort im feelin dumb, senses far from numb....
taste tha oxygen as it swirls around my tongue,taste tha rum....
before it leaves tha bottle,taste my thoughts before i swallow....
saliva builds and my thoughts become so hollow,no dog to follow....
no cane to use,my thoughts seem suicidal with my buddy rifle....
its like a high school, drama buildin and tha children feelin violent....
now my mind seems silent, no thoughts which means no pilot.....
also no more wildin,guess tha stress compressed his chest in his asylum.

(Verikle)
The blinds thoughts imagine a world, blind to every touch.
Every action, is darkness, heartless and doesn't mean much.
Because without the vision, the world is dead, but it isn't.
It's like the dark is the start of a life long sentence to prison.
Givin' hope with sound, tempted by the smell of flowers.
Years pass by, days and hours, a taste so evil and sour.
Our most taken for granted blessings, testing the limits.
Seems like life for the blind passes by in years not minutes.
To see the greatest hope, broke the very second of their birth.
Cursed, to die without seeing the place of rest, the dirt.
Hurt and pain, inside their brain, thinking things will change.
Hoping for a glance, to see sunshine, but they only see rain.
Flames in the pupils, pupils laugh and stare without knowing.
The pain inside the blind hurts and the suicidal thought is growing.
Flowing out the mind, times get rough for I take a chance.
Thoughts of the blind, staring and hoping for just one glance.

[Vertikle]

uppin for feedback

[Vertikle]

Uppin for feedback

[sILLable]

uppin for some feed back.~1~

[Vertikle]

uppin, no feedback on this

[Demon Pyrokronix]

I'll try and leave some decent feedback on this, A) because I need a link for my own om which I will be posting tommorow and B) i feel bad that no one's taking the time you comment on your work and help you elevate.

DiverseSyndicate - Aight this wasn't bad man. You had some decent metaphors and imagery but I felt you tried to make it abstract but didn't really follow through with what you set out to do. Really, if you're gonna make it abstract, try and incorperate more complex vocabularly and language into your work, so people can feel what you're saying better. But saying that I enjoyed some of the imagery you used.

"i may bathe in milk,but i realize i cant see tha tub.....
i feel tha water 5 times stronger,but i cant feel tha love...."

Yes, blind people, without help, are probably oblivious to what they are bathing in and could literally be bathing in milk. But if it's a metaphor, then it could be interpreted that blind people plunge themselves into what they think is normal bath water, yet is something much deeper. I also liked some of the multies you used as they certainly helped the flow of the piece. But to make it better you could have spelt your words properly, I don't want to be overly critical or anything but that would have certainly made it much easier to read.

Vertikle - I thought that you did a very nice job on this. You delved deeply into the topic and envisioned what it would be like to be blind. You opened it very well, with a faultless flow, which enabled the reader to get into the rest of the piece.

"The blinds thoughts imagine a world, blind to every touch.
Every action, is darkness, heartless and doesn't mean much."

Very nice bar, subliminal flow and also a real statement. If you're blind, you are half oblivious to what is happening around you. I thought the rest of the Open Mic was very well written as well. You hit the core of the subject and spoke much of the fact that blind people would give everything for just one glimpse. I felt your verse a lot and I hope you keep on writing, and elevate until you are as good as the topical heavyweights.

Good job to both of you, nice collab and I hope you take my advice into account and go onto bigger thinks.

Pz

[Vertikle]

thanx ya'll.........^

[sILLable]

real life...thanks for tha critique.~1`

[Mistral]

Closed. First link you didnt even post in, and it is one of Diverse's pieces anyways.