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Thread: When It All Falls Down

  1. #1
    Banned L.I.'s Avatar
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    When It All Falls Down

    Varsity football was lead by a man with great character
    His smile was full of happiness that it would bury yah
    The student council president and most involved
    How this shit could happen still remains unsolved
    You see him in hallway ready to succeed in life
    Now all thats left is a struggle to proceed in strife
    A star swimmer that led the team to a championship this year
    Had so many friends that it re-defined the word peer
    This story gets deeper and all it does is sadden me
    And he earned a scholarship to the Naval Academy
    This hard work could have payed off, can we move on?
    Your still in our hearts and will never and i mean never be gone

    As I described, Mark was an unremarkable person to know
    He had everything going for him and it ended in one blow
    No he didnt drink, he didnt smoke, he was the perfect guy
    You deserved nothing but better than the best, thats no lie
    So here's the tragic scripture, of a true saint that left us
    Read with a pure heart and understand that its messed up

    He's almost off to college, Mark walks out of class with a grin
    Just a couple days of school remain, the care in the air is thin
    He calls his brother Matt to remind him about his graduation
    "Hey man, when you coming home to watch me pass in greatness?"
    Matt came early Tuesday and settled in at home
    They both joked and caught up on old times alone
    With school now out, diplomas approached this coming weekend
    Both attended Mass Wednesday night, that was the time to meet him
    They went home and had a family dinner with mom and dad
    Their last heart to heart as the high point was approachin fast

    The family went to bed that night, sweet dreams in their minds
    But a man went crazy in that house, it was evil of all kinds
    Mark's father Davis clenched the barrel and approached his son's door
    Matt was under his sheets with innocence that shined galore
    The revolver's trigger was pulled, it left off a ring of death
    An insane figure of flesh left that bedroom with no regret
    He goes down the hall to an awakened Mark in his bed
    Davis eneters the room hiding the gun so no fight was met
    Mark asked "what was that sound dad? is everything alright?"
    With no answer or impression the father fired with all his might
    His wife has heard two shots but doesnt believe its inside
    Then she see's Davis' body in the doorway surrounded by light
    He walked to the bed an climbed then let off a shot killing his wife
    With no hesitation he takes the gun to his mouth and says goodnight

    Four lives gone and extinguished with a tragic spelling
    What future's those boys would've had, theres no telling
    The whole family suffers, the community at st marks
    We'll pray and pray but never understand this part
    Why did he do it? Why not just suicide? He never gave them a chance
    God please guide parents to the right decisions so this doesnt happen again


    Fuck a flow, fuck a structure, fuck everything that can dismantle the meaning of this shit, let me get my story accross thats it, and i hope it can affect at least one person to the point that their shook, and fuck getting this in hall of fame cuz Mark your hall of fame in my book.

    R.I.P.
    Mark Weaver
    Matt Weaver
    Nancy Weaver
    Davis Weaver

  2. #2
    The King
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    Damn.
    Very strong on the emotion.
    Put it together well, homie.
    Logistics doesn't matter here...
    This is a "vent" piece.
    Good job with it.
    Really allowed voters to get into your head, feel that emotion.
    Wrecks.

  3. #3
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    You told me this really happened, which adds to the emotion.. a lot.. but it gave me that "cold" feeling with goosebumps as in wow.. it just hits you.. Im assuming you knew this Mark guy, sorry about the loss.

    I cant even critique this, sorry.. you wrote from the heart, and there is nothing to change.
    MondoThugs.

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    Meta. Convicts

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  4. #4
    Banned L.I.'s Avatar
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    Last edited by L.I.; June 3rd, 2005 at 10:17 PM

  5. #5
    Arsonist, Outlaw, Watcher Withersman's Avatar
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    Damn, this piece was full of emotion. You told a tragic story in a way no other could do. The fact that this happened for real adds to the impact of the reading. You did a great job of describing the people involved and put a picture in my mind about what occurred. I'm truly sorry for your loss, all I can say is keep your head up and look for better days. Stay strong homie

    -Withersman
    RIP MANET

    OPEN MICS

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  6. #6
    Banned L.I.'s Avatar
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    Thanks, upping. Just leave me a link and I'll return the favor.

  7. #7
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    His smile was full of happiness that it would bury yah
    This seemed like you just did it to try and rhyme. That's never good.

    Now all thats left is a struggle to proceed in strife
    I think you meant to put a comma before "in". With a comma there, the sentence has your intended meaning.

    Had so many friends that it re-defined the word peer
    Seems like you just said this line to ryhme, too.

    I wont pick it appart too much. Just stay away from saying things just to rhyme. I wan't able to get an emotional affect from it, because I was unable to see the thoughts of the character. You never quite made them human to me, and the murder-suicide had no purpose behind it. I have not Idea why he did it. The lack of a mental connection with any character, stoped me from getting drawn all the way in. The message was good though. The Idea for the open mic was pretty cool.

    Why did he do it? Why not just suicide?
    Word. This is the best part. I think this, whenever I hear about a murder-suicide.

    Overall, the exicution could have been a little better, but the message was good. Keep writing.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  8. #8
    Banned L.I.'s Avatar
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    Yeah this just happened two days ago. So I just layed out the story, it isnt made up. Thanks for the great feedback

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