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Thread: Dear John (Lyric and djb)

  1. #1
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Dear John (Lyric and djb)

    Normal - djb
    Itallics - Lyric


    Dear John,

    I love you, but cant relate to the hate pursue to do
    visions of kids in tubes like me continue through
    true I brought it on myself inhaling cancerous smoke
    now I don’t breath but choke, clinging onto hope
    paralyzed by doubt I spout 4 u to choose a new route
    I pout cuz I can only write not speak and let pain out
    devout in love, but your product makes me succumb
    run down and frowned alert but seems to be numb
    john for me please leave and save lives in my name
    blame the money that came, quit and forget shame
    my last wish is this.......family man, no tobacco CEO
    tow two daughters, a father farther away from the 1 I know
    Love
    Your Wife

    Devil
    What happened to your wife, was unfortunate to say the least
    But at least you’ll see, that soon she’ll finally be at peace
    We’re put on this world to die, but its what we do with life
    That builds our legacy, before we rise to meet the Christ
    You’re a very successful man, coasting on life’s plan
    But think of the costs, before you take your wife’s stand
    Your in a multi-billion dollar business, of course there are risks
    But shit, theres a warning on the pack, when people buy it
    They know smoking kills, but yet they do it anyway
    Isn’t that their fault? They smoke and you get paid
    If you quit your entire life’s work, what will you do?
    Come on man, its not so bad, jus logically think this through


    Angel
    please, see you gotta be faithful, fulfill her set goals
    pull away from greed and impede evil to free her soul
    you put her in her grave, don’t let her ideals die this way
    prey and act for her today instead on behalf of the shame
    take your name off the cooperate ladder, focus life on after
    leave the wine and champaign, campaign for what matters
    u wanna float to heavens skies on a materialistic carpet ride?
    or oblige and dive inside to find a divine connection lies
    meet on clouds of enlightenment proud of the fight you gave
    the lives you saved, reverse the plagued to live another day
    and no, you didnt make your wife smoke, same with the kids
    give in, support or abort, think about the things u already did


    mid life strife, just lost his wife, john cried this night
    his plight was give up the cash, or fight for whats right
    listening to voices on his shoulders he grew colder
    transgressed bolder he looked to the stars and told her
    “my love, I do it all for you, please believe my fortitude
    not money, you and our children were all that was true”
    john took his tie off and removed his golden wristwatch
    threw himself into unemployment, to get his love caught
    death taught the importance of life, saddest story of all others
    two daughters with a single father, living for a departed mother
    A few achievements here and there

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  2. #2
    .Angelic. shawty"B"'s Avatar
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    I liiked this piece a lot! Good job you two..... perfect imagery, and I like that it brings up an issue that is so current and common in todays society.... the devil and angel debate is a classic, and you've diplays it perfectly... My favorite part to this piece is the very last line, its like all of the pain can only seep through slightly throughout the poen untill that line right there, the pain is poured out right then and there and you can feel all of the pain that the man goes through, missing his wife, left with her legacy in their children... great job you two

    PLEASE reply to my piece "Restless In My Sleep"



    ....bless


    ~*UnO*~

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  3. #3
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Concept: Very good start to it, the angel/ devil approach has been used before but you set it up nicely by creating the conflict then allowing the varying viewpoints to come in... I only wish you had found some more creative way to finish the concept besides merely making a choice between the two.

    Imagery: The piece wasn't based around imagery really so this wasn't as prominent but a decent job was done nonetheless. Phrases like:
    paralyzed by doubt
    I don’t breath but choke
    builds our legacy
    float to heavens skies on a materialistic carpet ride
    provided good word pictures.

    Emotion: Now this was quite important to this piece. And you did a pretty good job on this point by contrasting the conflicting emotions. Love for his wife, Greed for the "good life", Shame for the situation, Peaceful in resolution. Phrases like:
    devout in love
    you and our children were all that was true
    john for me please leave
    kinda made a poignant feeling.

    Diction: This area needed some work. Lyric did a pretty good job on this point but djb was lacking a bit. Your thoughts did not proceed logically in all cases - but instead you forced ideas and words into place to fit the idea in your head. Things like:
    but cant relate to the hate pursue to do
    are just worded oddly and their were a number of spots where things just didn't seem to be completely smooth... decent enough however.

    Rhyming: This was pretty good as well. A steady scheme mixing various techniques was used. There weren't many points where it appeared you forced anything but the scheme was above average certainly. Pretty good work.

    Overall: Good idea, if perhaps in need of a little more development. The various elements were well done, namely emotion, rhyming, etc. With maybe just a little work on smoothing things out. Overall an above average piece.

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    I'm dead.


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