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Thread: Untitled.

  1. #1
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Untitled.

    Untitled

    A line keeps our small boat connected to the dock..

    Soft moonlight hugs the ocean as it tugs our boat in.
    This is the first time that we’ve made love this open.
    The Atlantic moves with every stroke, & she moans.
    The deep song of Gail’s lovely heart, beats strong.
    Regular words can’t describe this; you need poems.
    As the ocean spins the boat, we only see each other.
    I stare into her brown eyes & I see deep love there.
    This is the best feeling that this short life has to give.
    Wrapped in bliss: the finale` is capped with a kiss.
    We don’t sail back; we just watch the sky & wait-
    Grabbing at nirvana as wind blows the night away.

    Gail & I must have fallen asleep; The sun wakes us.
    Yesterday’s lust still lingers around on my taste buds,
    So as soon as I wake up, I already want to make love.
    Instead, we watch the sun rise before our young eyes,
    & witness the, early mourning ,ocean glow, run by.
    This is why I live life; To love, then have some more.
    After a tender kiss, she says: Lets go back to shore
    I turn to grab the rope, & I really hope I’m wrong...
    I think this is where I tied it, but.. The rope is gone..
    We, frantically, look for where I might have tied it.
    Nothing can explain how frustrated & sick I get.
    We find ourselves praying to God; We hope & plea,
    As our little boat continues to, aimlessly, float at sea..
    The last time we saw the shore was late last night
    We sail south, but we don’t really know if that’s right
    The boat turned several times through the night & day,
    So we could be getting closer to land or further away.
    A mixture of fear & adrenalin pump through my veins,
    And just as I begin to gain composure, it begins to rain.
    Our boat is thrown every direction & the sail breaks
    With no sail & it storming, I know we’re at hell’s gate
    With no failsafe, & the inability to sail straight.
    Grey & black clouds cover the sky, & thunder roars.
    Soon, the crashing water starts to come aboard.
    We struggle to scoop it out as the little boat is sinking.
    At this point, it’s all instinct; Rarely any thinking
    We almost go down. In the skies, I see God’s frown
    & Just as my spirit is broken, the rain calms down...

    By the next day we’re burning in the sun & starving
    Surrounded in water we can’t drink, I look at my darling.
    She’s pissed, & on the other side of this crappy boat.
    She doesn’t want to talk - she just sits around & mopes.
    Hours fly by. Then the day. Then the night vanishes.
    Two days without food or drink, we can’t manage this.
    She’s now holding her stomach, while crying to eat
    We need food & I can only think of one.. Our own meat..

    If I died, could you promise that you’d eat me, Gale?..

    She protests and promises that she would never do so
    Rough days are here & my meat would help through those,
    But she refuses, cause she knows I’ll commit suicide.
    She won’t eat me, & I see so when I look to her eyes.
    It’s my fault we’re here; Me & the woman I want as my wife
    So I devise a plan to save her life...

    I’ll bite my own fingers off. Then, force feed her...

    I rush her, & knock her down to the floor of the boat
    I’m so, so sorry, Gail, but this is your only hope
    I put my knees on her biceps to hold her arms down
    She is now helpless, yet, out of harm, now.
    I look to the skies, then take one look at her face.
    Then, I take my index finger & bite it at the base.
    Blood squirts everywhere, but I keep biting harder.
    Then It finally comes off, I say: You’ll eat this for starters
    I force the severed finger down her throat.
    Gail twists & turns, almost flipping the boat.
    Her face is covered in blood, and she’s crying
    Sorry, Gail... I just can’t watch you dying.
    I bite off my second finger, then my third one.
    Tears trickle down my face as I see her’s run.
    I didn't know how much this would hurt in the start.
    Not phisical pain, but the pain deep in my heart.
    I force feed her my fingers til my left had is bare.
    Blood covers us both, but, truly, love is there.

    If I bleed to death, you’ll need to feed some more..

    ..Then I look out at the water.. & I see the shore..

    Damn.



    Hence Forward
    Hence Forward
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  2. #2

  3. #3
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Too long?
    Hence Forward
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  4. #4
    Back rile1's Avatar
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    lol I like tha ending funny, but it was really deep and sorta scary man u got skills though, keep it up dude I need to practice a lot now

  5. #5
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    man,this was cool, it made me think about hings,"thats a good thing"i'd give it a 8/10

  6. #6
    Newbie freek_rhymes's Avatar
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    nothing is too long except for rascism
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    Songs I've made up(Completed, not posted)
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  7. #7
    Banned Chronic Cancer's Avatar
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    decent drop mayne....keep dropin shit......overall..........8.5/10......too long ...yes..but it was cool

  8. #8
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Thanks, rile.

    The rest of you didn't even read it.

  9. #9
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    .
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  10. #10
    Art... K9_THESHIT's Avatar
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    dope Wicked...a great story with a great storyline(with a single exception).i liked how you started it,it seemed like a love story,but knowing your style i was sure that's not it...i could anticipate the dark sick story,but the other things i didn't see them comming.especialy the end,i liked that twist you gave to your story.your imagery was great,in tone with the storyline and your metaphors were really nice especially in the first part where the predominated in number.your rhymescheme was good,wasn't predictable in just a few spots,and the flow was on point with the narrative voice.The only thing i didn't like and understand is why did he had to bite his fingers of to feed her?they had no water.and they would've died much fater from thirst than from starvation.So why did he bite of his fingers if she would've died anyway of thirst,even if she ate his fingers,if they would't have reached land soon?i guess you didn't thought of this that way..but anyway very nice piece man.Peace!
    Def Poets Society

  11. #11
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    I liked the idea for the story, but it was too long, and you lost me in places...I just couldn't read this in one go. I didn't like your rhyme schemes much either, you found a rhythm and kept to it, but the schemes felt awkward...maybe it's just me though, I dunno...Honestly, I thought the way you worded this didn't help, and your word choices, they felt kinda forced and uninspired at times...Nothing horrible but I've seen much much better from you.

    Great idea, creative and all, but IMO the execution was lacking...It felt like it should have been a lot more gruesome than it was - but the ending, was ultimately, comical more than anything. Keep writing.
    ...

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