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Thread: Apocalypse Remix

  1. #1
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    Apocalypse Remix

    Apocalypse Remix

    When the elements fell
    descendents of spring
    organized a nuclear winter,
    global warming is hell.
    Bring acid rain and wash away
    your plastic landscapes,
    recycle the night to feed
    a depleting dawn.

    The crescent moon
    will be flourescent soon.
    The neon sun
    will only shine nine to five.
    (advertisement lights
    will still be brighter)

    Humanities darkest day will be in flames...

    The seas will wash over
    the embers of our burning world
    like salt, slowly flowing into
    an earthquakes open wound.
    Oil fields blazing from below,
    sending broken smoke signals
    to a spectating heaven.

    Earth's rebirth has been aborted...

    We'll create a disease
    for every dieing virus.
    See Jesus be reborn
    through hollow test tubes.
    Follow dead roots split into wires.
    Branches wont grow leaves,
    only blank computer screens.
    The decaying tree of knowledge
    will be cut - and pasted,
    seeds replaced with synthetics.
    Organic only known as myth,
    feeling, will cease to exist.

    Humanities hands will be branded by expansion...

    Greed inciting machine riots.
    Dreams running on autopilot,
    showcasing hope on hybrid.
    We'll fuel an empty revolution,
    only engines of our former glory.
    Overshadowed by productivity.

    Mother nature's first born will be cloned...

    Skyscrapers built to
    fill holes in the o-zone.
    The glass sky will crack,
    shattering like ashes
    of a transparent past.


    We'll go home to the future,
    with a present we passed...
    Last edited by Moniker; April 26th, 2005 at 07:57 PM
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
    lol very long
    Pretty good all around. Imagery being the strongest here. You were just describing the same thing over and over which got a little boring to me i must say(lol sorry). I think I'm missing something here, like a greater meaning or something? maybe a metaphor.... *reads again* Ok, it wasn't that long, i just woke up btw, but i see how technology is causing it *still feels like missing something*
    Alright peace


    edit- Im like addicted to this poem now lol, now that I'm like not half-conscious.
    Your flow was flawless, your imagery insane, simply brilliant all the way thru. Im nominating it.
    Last edited by Space Cadet; April 24th, 2005 at 09:44 PM Reason: cuz mindless poem is a G

  3. #3
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    Before I reply properly, did you get this idea from me?
    ...

  4. #4
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    Jek - lol no, honestly. thats why i left a message for your piece, it caught my eye since i had been working on this. just coincidence though. ask spoken, i showed him a rough draft about 3 days ago, title and all.
    i guess great minds think alike?
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  5. #5
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    ...
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  6. #6
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    That is damn good.

    The message is spectacular from what I understood. The tone is amazing, foreboading and decrepit, also insightfull. Everything about this poem was great, the emotion was a bit different from other poems. It switched from a sense of remorse, to almost anger. The structure was great, breaks were cleverly placed and it helped the rhythm. The "puns" of the poem were brilliant, very inspiring. Also, to me, the poem was almost harshly sarcastic at parts. Imagery was great, comparisons of natural things to electronic devices, genius. It was a dope concept and you wrote it very well. Everything is great about this, I don't see one thing wrong for what it is. For almost two years, you've showcased that you are one of the best poets on this site, and this poem is a great testament to your skill. I envy you mindless.
    murder murder

  7. #7
    Micstro
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    Damn, I cant compete with feedback like that... lol.. but this poem was written very creatively.. loved the concept of this, and the message was great and very open minded, throughout your poems, you sure seem to show a different view on alot of things. I like your perspectives... stay up

  • #8
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    Damn son! this was the best drop yet! hume-dogg! peace bro...

    why does everyone talk like that?
    lol.
    love you. and everything that flows from you fingers.

  • #9
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    lol. your very bad at slang.
    thanks for reading this though babe.
    love you too.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  • #10
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    up?
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  • #11
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    wow. could i possible get more than a one word reply?
    i mean, i dont want you to sprain your fingers or anything...
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  • #12
    Piscean Twin
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    ^lol

    I thought this piece was built nicely on imagery of what would (or is to) happen in the future, and how humanity would deteriorate into greed, materialism etc etc. I thought the more inner human change could have been highlighted more too, like scaled down, the greed taking over peace, the cause of a revolution being lost, you know stuff like that, but whatever.

    “the crescent moon…
    …will still be brighter”

    I really like that, thought it might have been nicer if this verse was a bit longer to show the progression of the ad lights growing to become brighter than the sun, and the sun slowly becoming useless, its like its sadder when you watch things grow to be less, like someone aging over time.

    My fave verse was the one about the seas washing over the embers of a burning world, I really liked the simile there. Nice choice of words, when you compare things in that way it relays more of an emotion and “animates” it more, if that makes sense.

    “Skyscrapers built to fill the holes in the ozone”
    ^ nice line, good bit of a twist in it too…

    “the glass sky will crack”
    ^ Interesting word choice, telling that it wasn’t genuine in the first place, or rather that the world was really surrounded by a fragile layer.

    good piece, i enjoyed it!
    peace

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