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Thread: Deviate & Sharp: Reflections Of Fiction.

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Deviate & Sharp: Reflections Of Fiction.

    A Po'Ethics Collaboration.

    Black=Deviate
    Dark Red=Sharp.

    Reflections Of Fiction.

    Shadowed by the looming stature of past achievements,
    Paralysis extends its scythe through my limbs - No appeasement.
    Limp shoes numb my footsteps as I drift across the pine floor,
    Distant squeaks echo from the depths of feet as they implore...
    Intense weight of postulation provokes the process of creation,
    Through the intoxicating smell of the antique furniture's deterioration.
    Erratic eyes shudder focusing on the crisp awards hung precariously,
    Surpass the peak of conceptualization... Brain twitches painfully.

    "My veins shoot blood into my eyes as I endure on the desert of a ghost's black heart.
    A million human faces ricochet off my bare skin as they're hurled by the violent wind.
    They convulsively laugh at me and whisper disgustingly aberrant lies into my ears.
    I strive on with my chest out. I am the genius of God, I am the pride of the Satan."


    Violently etching my voice across the elegant parchment,
    Scrawling through the mirror of mental department.
    Clouds of ink dilute the liquid life that drips onto the page,
    Rouge formations discolor black before my eyes as if from rage.
    Humble surroundings strained under the emanating disillusion,
    Conflicting thoughts deflected by the remaining shreds of illusion.
    Soul ripping at the forced doorway vandalized in my finger,
    Plasma dips through the passages without time to linger.

    “I make my way through the sands and discover pyramids of skulls and ravaged bodies.
    Expressions flutter off their craniums like a hand swiping away an irritating housefly.
    The base is a dark crimson and the pinnacle is white as if the blood was wiped clean.
    It bleeds, it thumps, it lives. I can feel the cold blood soak my feet as it runs. “


    The paper-cut expands into a gash until the finger drops,
    A spasmodic rupture to my leg evokes toe-nail pops.
    Curious somatic sensations snake through my veins,
    Guiding the pain, flooding their way... Comfort I feign.
    Comprehension of the world, of true emotion evokes expulsion,
    The explosive demotion of my active brain to passive emulsion.
    Abhorrent words spray from the lively structure wetting the pen,
    Streaking red words accentuated by splatters of grammar...The end?

    “The wet sand fills the space between my toes as if I was strolling down a shore.
    A sick stench of a thousand hospitals so potent that I grow light-headed.
    The wind ceases and I dig through the bones of my loved ones,
    Nestling between my mother and my lover to rest, I wake.”


    Violent gushes of life reduced to droplets seep as I fall,
    From behind the page, I watch my kin weep as I scrawl.
    murder murder

  2. #2
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    murder murder

  3. #3
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Upping.
    murder murder

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    This was dope at times, but I must confess, this was not totally to my tastes. I thought you both overdid it, in various ways, Deviate in particular. I thought that Deviate's vocabulary was too forced, and the rhyme scheme suffered from being too simplistic, as a result. The way he used adverbs was also very odd. On the other hand, there were some clever phrasings that I was able to catch, and it did have its moments. It had potential but I'm not sure you quite pulled it off as you'd of maybe liked? Still not a bad piece though, keep writing.
    ...

  5. #5
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    ^Word@Deviate's wordiness. And every line or Deviate's could have been the first line in another story. That's what threw the flow off. It was more like you were starting a new story with each line instead of a constant stream that was one. It seemed like a million opening lines. Sharps flow was much better and he didn't have the wordiness. I don't know about the not rhyming. Deviate rhymes and Sharp had similar sized lines, so it made you expect a rhyme, then when It didn't, I'd go back and make sure I read the first line right. This was an eeehhh drop. I know you both can do way better. Keep writing.

    My Piece: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=188382
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  6. #6
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    A little background on this piece.

    The story is of a man who's an acclaimed writer, has awards and such. Now he's trying to outwrite himself and be descriptive as he can. In this, he destroys himself, rips himself apart in order to immitate his art. My part is the poem he's writing, deviate's part is what's actually happening.

    Well, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Thanks for the feedback.
    murder murder

  7. #7
    Po'Ethics
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    Thanks for the advice and criticisms... I appreciate it.

    Up...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  8. #8
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    This was nice, its being slept on to death though, typical RB.

    Firstly,
    I am the genius of God, I am the pride of the Satan.
    ...That maybe my favourite line of any piece I've ever read here, it means so much and is so descriptive and strong, the whole poetic piece Sharp created was vast in its description and something that was so deep Deviate could of wrote anything and you still would of felt what was meant by this piece. People are mentioning Deviate's vocabulary being 'forced' or whatever, in my opinion he stook to his topic really well and created something for the strength of Sharps part to fall back on, some lines may of been overone or whatever, but he still had the right lines and overall feeling to make both drops go very well together. Overall, I think Sharp came stronger because I don't usually feel poetry like this, but in my opinion it was special, that one line I mentioned grasped the entire concept of this piece. Deviate came nice aswell, with a few good lines and a lot of imagery and emotion, you can tell why he is part of the future here.

    A great piece.

    Uppppn, dnt sleep you fockers

  9. #9
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Head in Hands
    Cold Red Stranger

    Can You's rely to my piece? It'l be very appreciated

  10. #10
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    i think you went overboard with the vocab and too obscure with the imagery a lot of the time, however, i did love the layout, the rhythm was excelletna dn youtr setlyes blended nicely. the topic was original which is about 50% of illness to me. i just wish it was easier to understand. although some of the imagery i did catch seemed crazy and ill.

    keep on posting guys, this was still about 20 times better than most of the stuff i read on here.

    if you could rep one of mine i'd appricaite it.

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