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Thread: Don't Lose Yourself

  1. #1
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    Don't Lose Yourself

    Wear the droplets of dew
    like a quilt, as you ponder
    along the individual cracks
    in the cement, letting
    each fond memory tug at your
    pant legs while your pace
    matches the tempo
    ..of the urban heartbeat.

    The milky sunlight pervades
    your consciousness as you
    slowly start sinking through
    the earthen barrier. Stir
    the pot and let the steamy
    whisps of memory repose themselves
    across your face, erecting
    each individual hair on end..
    awaiting the epiphany..
    ..of dream-shattering magnitude.

    Immerse yourself in the
    hugging caress of the mildewy
    winds as the shadows lose
    themselves around you. The vault
    twisted into consciousness, locking
    you into the marine void, drenching
    you in the oily residue of
    past mistakes, christening you
    the son of time.

    Pick the slimy shell from
    your memories and gently meet
    the carcass with your lips.
    Drink the fluids of understanding.
    Let the aurora borealis stop
    blinding you as you..
    shield your eyes from it pearly lance.

    The skeleton key now rests
    among the coral. Paint a red x
    across the door and leave it
    submerged in filth and cobwebs.
    Look forward only.
    Do not lose yourself in the gleaming
    promises of what could have been.
    Dive into the open-armed depths of what
    will be.

  2. #2
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    ....................

  3. #3
    Banned GenoH's Avatar
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    nice drop man

  4. #4
    .Xtenkae.
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    pretty dope man real ill too man good job.

  5. #5
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    upping this.

  6. #6
    Certified Like A COW Varentao's Avatar
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    Reading this piece was very nice, man. Flowed with such a nice essence. And didn't lack complexity/depth either. I didn't dig into the piece at all. Just read it off the face. And from that, it was superbly written.

    "Let the aurora borealis stop" - Though i didn't like the use of 'aurora borealis', seemed kind of over stretched.

    I wouldn't be surprised if someone nominated this piece for legends, after making a more thorough analysis.
    I'm too secure to have a signature.

    Oh.

  7. #7
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    this is good mac...

    very poetic...i like this better than your manufactured poems....your writings are maturing ...po'ethics has been good to you...

    yous diction was fair, your syntax was good....

    your imagery was good...

    interesting cadence....you could make some improvements there in my opinion...

    on first review, your stanza structure doesn't add to the unity of the poem, you might want to look into that...

    i don't know about the legends, but ill respect varentao's opinion....

    ill probably read thsi again later and apend to my critique...

    good job though....

    stay in this vein...keep writing poetically....
    Bittersweet

  8. #8
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    ^^ Sublime and Varentao you both summed it up nicely.

    I really liked this. I already give you a few words on this in my vote in IE. I loved the overall tone and the strength of the voice in this piece. And it had depth to it. Basically it was the way you went erratically from image to image, yet kept it so clear and concise. And it was impressively clear.

    Nice job.
    ...

  9. #9
    Certified Like A COW Varentao's Avatar
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    Sublime - As i said, after a more thorough analysis. Which i didn't do. Tis why i aint put it forward. Just read nice on the surface.

    Just thought i'd clarify just in case. Once again, nice piece.
    I'm too secure to have a signature.

    Oh.

  10. #10
    Eve Alminds
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    quite a bit of thought gone into this, enjoyed reading it...

    Do not lose yourself in the gleaming
    promises of what could have been.
    Dive into the open-armed depths of what
    will be.


    thought that this part was very succinct and wonderfully written...just a thought...

  11. #11
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    Holla black!!!

  12. #12
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    You never replied to my OM on HHS.
    ...

  13. #13
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    This was good, like always. Had a strong effect and made me think.. most defenitly hit what you wanted to. You kept constantly changing the rhyme scheme, but that was perfectly fine actually, kept things more interesting. This was filled with emotion and imagery.. very nice imagery actually. Easy smooth read. You din't have bad vocab at all either.. not as strong as you ussually do, but it suited the piece fine.

    Good read, good job.

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