"Heart Broken" :: SS Verse (vs. Phrantik)

[Dan Dare]

Up again.

[Na~Ledge]

This was really well done. I think u and Phrantik's battle will be the best one in the first round. I thought it was a really original way to go about adressing the topic, figure most people would be compelled to do a love piece with it. Vocabulary was excellent but not overbearing in your piece. Structure was excellent and it seemed to flow together very well. Very competitive verse, good luck this season man.

Illest lines:

A spreadsheet gangster - perhaps between the mean & callous?
He’s not embarrassed, another cycle of the sky’s golden chalice
& the department manager; he’s a modern-day Gradgrind incarnate
A relic of Dickensian literature - so relevant in this day and age

It’s a character assassination, a noxious, morose procrastination
He sold his soul on eBay, to the seller’s own disclosed exaltation
& when he felt a pang, he knew at once that something was wrong
His heart had stopped beating, he’s in the dark & he’s on his own

Vocab and imagery was great in these, loved reading it.

peace

[Dan Dare]

Up.

[Kobra]

^ I'm not so sure about that - my opponent is Phrantik, one of the best writers to ever come across this site. You can find his stuff archived in both open mic and poetry legends. He is very good, and is always bound to come original, and high quality. This took about 30 mins or so to write.

You people should really check out the SS league this season, there are some real quality writers in that league. It would give you something all to aspire to.

Thank you for your feedback.

I think SS is one of the most underrated leagues on this site.
It takes skill to diss an opponent but to write a verse of one subject that you haven't even planned out takes skill

[Dan Dare]

Yeah, I agree. I was just saying that you really can't underestimate a writer of Tik's pedigree, he knows exactly what he is doing most of the time, and he is very accomplished on RB. Thanks for peeping.

[Bounce]

Damn Jek, I'm impressed with the style and how well you described his ordeal. Nice job on this for sure man, as good as phrantik is he is going to have a hard time beating this verse. Originality alone, had you came on a conventional love type drop, yeah you would have played to tiks stronger points in writting, but you derailed that by going non conventional here. A broekn heart described as such in a literal sense gives you an advantage in concept and originality, Tik would have to come mighty strong to even pull enough votes for the win. We know technically he can do it, but I think you nailed this one down here, shit I'd go as far as to say, "I couldn't beat this verse bro! You kind of locked it out so to speak, and unless someone is hell bent enough to find an angle to approach this from, you'd have to trade originality for conventionalism, and as SS stands today, conventioanlism is played! We did our part last season to make that happen, I am sure it will remain so. Great job on a great verse from a great writter.

My hat's off to you jek... Solid write...

[gattman]

yo thats a sick rhyme i can relate 2 this shit with my dad
keep holdin tight man holla at my shit

[Dan Dare]

Thanks very much for the reply Bounce, and Gattman thanks for reading.

[Dan Dare]

Up.

[Dan Dare]

Word.