something i wrote in class

[DiMs_831]

for me to see a brighter day
would be the same as a new born
for me to open these eyes, im affraid
to look and see a life so torn
I rather stay and hide
in a darken corner
feelin alone inside
asking myself one question... why?
do I continue to try
to live this life so strong
when its all a lie
and no one knows the true me
so i continue the act
hopin that you are pleased
and im tryin to show who i realy am
but it never comes out right
or it dosen't come out at all...
so I hold these emotions in tight
untill i get the chance to wright
and when i do so it seems like the only time
my life is brought out into the light
but its so quick, when i snap back to reality
that the pain returns and it makes me want to quit
but i remember everything i've already earned
just from this pen and this page
and thats wut keeps me alive to this day

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=177014
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...59#post2165059

[Foreshadow]

This was an okay self reflection type of piece and i think that you got the point acroos I know this is how you feel but alot of people are starting to feel this way it must be an epidemic. Yo but for real read some of the really good writers in the OM like Center Sight, Given Light, BTK, Bounce, Wicked, Jekyll, Dev, and many other and just see how they write words.

[Center Sight]

^^lol good looks on the referral bro.. glad to see u dig my style, but yeah man.. this was kool, i didnt rate this as a rap, this is how i started out, i started out writing poems b4 i ever took another step, and it was similar to this, you painted a nice imagery of your feelings into word form.. you can maybe be a bit more descriptive and use a higher level of vocabulary.. but u have the basic concept down which is the theme.. and u stuck ot it this was kool u can elevate.. thisnt wasnt bad, peep my jawny thing
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176138

[ThE kId BiG]

this is preety good if you wrote it in CLASS... i do that sometimes, lol

[Young Swift]

^^^yeah dis wuz nice peice if u wrote it i class

overall nice shit

[Judge Judy]

Ight shit....Pretty good for class, but i rite all my rymes in class lol jk..>Wel check out my OM

[DiMs_831]

yo thanks yall for the feedback its realy a big help

[CrazyCarl]

The vocab has room for being upped. Try and add some more content to your lines to have them even out to help the flow. Writing by hand is deceiving sometimes compared to typing, which will show you how close your lines really are. Try and be more descriptive with your ideas. Also have the name of the thread tell more about the piece, so it won't be overlooked.

[CrazyCarl]

Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175493

[~{ExClusive}~]

pretty dope shit