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Thread: The Essence

  1. #1
    Rikimaru I Incis's Avatar
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    The Essence

    This poetical essence has blessed my adolescence,
    Infested with crime stories. Pain, regection, neglected..
    My walls bare down, Entrapped in this nightmare,
    Organized confusion's reducing the way my light glares.
    Floating in the endless waves of my own sorrow,
    To sadness, I've been borrowed, Only hopes of tomorrow.
    My heart feels no incentive, It's walls are bare and hollow,
    Searching, relentless, for my stroke, With no one to follow.
    Can u think of the pain that's engulfed in my veins?
    Where happiness is a privilege that's denied of it's place.
    A soul where religion's missing at whole,
    Only controlled by pending sin, redemption, Never my own.
    Where white, gleeming teeth, are replaced with empty tears,
    Comes with an endless wisdom, that's solid beyond it's years.
    Solidified anger and danger are no strangers,
    With only one's tasteless mistakes, To aim blame to.
    Unexcited, divided attention,
    Creates diversion and mass conversion,
    Satisfaction turns to concernment.
    My life resembles brand-new religion,
    That contains answers to questions,
    Deceptive, wreckless ambitions, Containing guesses and wishes.
    Can you envision the way I'm kicking,
    What the game's been missing?
    The new apprentice of greatness,
    Staying true, I'm the shit, damn..

    Rap needs me,
    Please believe me,
    It's a great thing, That it found a way to retrieve me.
    You fuckin need me,
    Can't you see these..
    Rappers are confined to walk in a straight line?
    Artistic Visions
    Written Voices


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  2. #2
    Rikimaru I Incis's Avatar
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  3. #3
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    This was good, emotion was there... vocab was good, but it seemed kinda "forced" at some points and hard to understand. multis were pretty good in here, i seen a fair amount of them. the topci was good, something new, and stuck to it good.. structure was good, except the lines started to get shorter near the end, but its all good... Near the end your lines started to get real describing/detailing, was likin it...but yeah this was a good drop, except for the vocab soundin forced, and your verse soundin force to be more. but yeah keep it it, this was a good peice!

  4. #4
    Rikimaru I Incis's Avatar
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    word, nice feedback homie ^.. uppin..
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  5. #5
    Rikimaru I Incis's Avatar
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    ok im uppin this again...i wanna get some decent feedback..i been leavin feedback back on a buncha newb drops, so let me get some feedback, holla at me!
    Artistic Visions
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  6. #6
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    This was alright peace, Not the ebst but it was still decent it was fun readin it sorta, Kepp dropppin tho son..

  7. #7
    This was good.Your mind was in a good place when doing this the last line in the verse didn't rhyme but I saw where you were going with it.Overall though you stayedon topic...very intuitive.I liked this.

  8. #8
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    some good points and bad points, you did get your emotion across in this, and parts flowed nice, but i thought it was too eratic, all over the place, odd rhyming and not put together very smooth in some places, overall thought it was ok, but could use some work with transitions n stuff
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

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