Mind State

[warchild]

My pain tends to infect my brain
I was born into oblivion and left insane
My maker threw me a curse.....why?
My family reading out my gravestone was my nursery rhyme
That's what used to put me to sleep
I stack up sin so my future looks to be bleak
Everybody identifies cause we all live around terror
When its time for that trip please forgive all my errors
I make more mistakes than most but my hearts true
Live a better life? its too late to start too
The last nightmare i had i woke up and lost breath
I gotta live this life with whats left
Which just seems to be violence and misery
All i want is some silence but is it free?
If i gotta lose my existence for somebody to change then i'll sacrafice
Can you answer me one question first, what's really after life?

I let my misery warm me up on a cold morning
I'll probably go straight to hell without no warning
Im looking around watching my back three sixty five
I had sixty one dreams now i just see sixty die
So im running around searching for my one dream
But i got a potent poision screaming through my blood stream
Im this way till youve heard that im gone
In my mind i love em but in my heart i wanna murder my songs
I can hear you crying asking the priest to bless you
Look i dont have to be on your street to test you
I'll be in your dreams but i could be in your house
Fuck counting the days i got my sins to count
Forget friends, this life is a lonely slaughter
Im not even living im putting my demons in your holy water
Then you can see how fast the problems come
The world is full of made up messiahs even god is one

Just 2 verses of the deeper shit the last 2 or 3 posts have just been that sick punches and metaphors so i thought id post up some deep shit i wrote a while back.

[warchild]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175444
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175434

[warchild]

Uppin this seems people are sleeping on the deep shit.

[HEDWON]

yo that piece was pretty deep ....it seems like you got a few personal probs
i actualy liked it .....mabe i might keep a close eye on you ,
i may learm some things....nice joint dawg

[I Incis]

deep shit, for real.. i loved this line..

Fuck counting the days i got my sins to count

nice freestyle man, it has that eery feeling to it when u read it, keep uppin stuff for us to read

[Chris Black]

This was ok. I've seen too many similar pieces though. The rhyme scheme could be a little better. Flow too. You've got potential. Keep writing.

[Ink Thesis]

man, this was pretty dope, real nice shit, with some nice ideas and decent concepts...

lines i liked..

"Everybody identifies cause we all live around terror
When its time for that trip please forgive all my errors
I make more mistakes than most but my hearts true
Live a better life? its too late to start too
I let my misery warm me up on a cold morning
I'll probably go straight to hell without no warning
Im looking around watching my back three sixty five
I had sixty one dreams now i just see sixty die"

ill shit, 2nd verse was sicker IMO.. bar before the last was good too..

keep at it man..

peace

[warchild]

Uppin this once more.

[Issue]

Hmmm...

- The closer was excellent, somethin I really liked.
- It was simple, but you seemed to get your point across.

- you'r simple vocabulary may of got the point across, but it didnt make the piece stand out. I hate it when people just rhyme at the end of each line, it makes them look basic to me because really, everyone can do that.
- This was a little short I thought, once again I think you could use a chorus or something to break it up and stretch it out.

----
Overall, this has been done many times before, and a lot of things in this piece make it seem pretty general and nothing makes i stand out, the only thing I honestly liked was the closer, but really I dont think it was worth reading that far.

5/10

Keep writing,
check out my piece...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175778
...

[ThE kId BiG]

This was ok. I've seen too many similar pieces though. The rhyme scheme could be a little better. Flow too. You've got potential. Keep writing.

you do got potential, but i have to dissagree with the ''ok'' part; this was nice, keep on writing and master the vocab and you'll be fine

return the feeback:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...06#post2145806