User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Finding Home...

  1. #1
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Age
    36
    Posts
    3,744
    Battle Record
    1-12

    Finding Home...

    "Sometimes I feel...like a motherless child.
    A long, long way, from home..."

    Where I live, chests and heads split like sieves
    Crack is dealt, smoked, sold, and did
    Who you wit? Is a question asked to every kid
    Doing bids…is a rite of passage to a child
    Increasing his life miles. Uneven blend of frowns and smiles
    Souls defiled. A demon presence hovers in the air
    The cops don’t care. Nothing in the world appears to be fair
    Only a hair of a percent of a slice of pie, survive.
    Only thing guaranteed in life is to die…death
    The subtle thief of all the blacks left…subtlety…
    An odd description for such a dramatic affliction
    Conscription to the devil’s army, solidified…
    Heavenly passage is forever denied…innocence,
    The condition held only by infants…penance,
    Can restore the original, but humanly effort is pitiful.
    The residual, snowballing in intensity…the incepting
    Sin awoke a sleeping demon within. The human predicament
    To our own destruction we’re a sycophant.
    In media, oral, and print. We disgrace and insult ourselves…
    Santa’s elves…if you understand what Santa really is…
    Think deep…look at the children and you may weep…
    The evil seed contained in a good deed…be good or naughty
    The devil of him is so haughty. His best creation…
    Among the children to create a sensation…devastation
    Detracting attention from God, Intended defamation…
    Insolence…but off topic…slightly. The evil in the world moves mightily.
    Tables turned so decidedly…public opinion…we’re all minions…
    But such is the nature of our existence. Continued incidents,
    Until we all trip and take the longest fall……………………
    Screams die out, and flesh burns away. The bones char and crumble.
    But your ashes continue on. But back to this caged bird’s song.
    The fat lady, she is singing, my death knell is playing in the background
    My ears hear not a sound. My eyes see nto a sight…
    My world has plunged into night…tonight…I lose the fight
    A deal went bad…I was going to school…
    I heard the shots…but before I could move…
    I was laid on the cold earth…that will serve as my hearth…
    From which I was birthed, and to which I shall soon return…
    The value of human worth…sand, gravel and dirt…
    For years we exist and get to flirt…with the matters of flesh…
    But yes…death is a guarantee…known since the beginning.
    Why do we posterity, think we know better. Why do we presume authority?
    To govern our own lives…like we would really design our own demise…
    My thoughts are fading…I feel the blood escaping…
    The whole in my chest is gaping…no one cares….
    I feel the rumbles of cars passing by…my body is growing cold…
    I am quickly losing my hold…Jesus…
    Please…
    Remember my soul…
    Bittersweet

  2. #2
    Po'Ethics
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    London
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,212
    Battle Record
    6-4
    This had good emotion and was a nice piece.. But I thought the structure, vocab, in some cases the flow weren't as good as they could've been. It was a very good story with good imagery but I think this could've been improved upon by using a few small changes.

    Keep it up though - Nice piece...

    If you have a chance check out "Blind to Reality?" in my sig... I'd appreciate it...

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  3. #3
    I agree with Deviate...All around, a decent piece. Good imagination, good topic, good flow but lacking in some areas. The vocabulary was a bit off, and the structure sometimes just went everywhere.

    8/10. Keep dropping.

    Check out my '.:: I Stand Alone ::.' piece, if you feel up to it.

  4. #4
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Age
    36
    Posts
    3,744
    Battle Record
    1-12
    eh..you have to read it like a poem...

    thanks for the replies....
    Bittersweet

Similar Threads

  1. Ahhhhh, Home Sweet Home.....
    By Lev in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: April 29th, 2011, 04:21 AM
  2. So I need help in finding
    By Trey Songz in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: March 3rd, 2010, 11:35 AM
  3. Finding Myself
    By Ace of Aces in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: August 22nd, 2007, 06:27 AM
  4. Finding itself.
    By TwixSin in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: November 2nd, 2005, 05:30 PM
  5. Finding Home
    By Sublime D in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: February 28th, 2005, 09:57 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •