TRP WW: Dig Your Own Grave

[Mag...]

a verse versus bruk...
____

Wish, if I could solve words... and dissolve hurts
I would grip my hands around the dirty earth
feel the nature of my state, undercompensate....shape a ball's worth
let it drop back down to the ground, sigh without a sound
wonder what I hate now, what I love and what I fear
loath myself for not loving what is near.. never sure where I found...
this clear cold hold on my soul....of emptiness
silence is a pool where I drown
and now the bold fold against the toll....and I envy death
I'm terrified looking into her eyes
face the why of the lies
devastated and shocked at how could have I
dropped her trust
take a deep breath of a ragged gust....trails out weakly
slumping my shoulders hump.....I dig graves sweetly
sometimes I know I love her too much...
for my own sake, and that's insane....meekly,
I slow swallow my throat's lump and jump
from my mind's plain fate
to imaginary planescapes
attempt to explicate this device
shovel cuts earth crusted in a layer ice
and so If I must deconstruct the hottest goddess
eyes of fashion, dripped in passion
dream a dream to touch her bodice
not for the taking or the asking
why does everything got to be so tragic?
Iconoclastic... we just reach for the spot
take hold and then tighten the strings on our wedding knot
forgive me for all of those forgivemenots...
and what I thought about being a little braver
even knowing love for the goddess
could have maybe saved her
I lay down in earth and taste the smooth dirt
bask as a saviour in my own work

and then I savour

[Fiasco]

"Wish, if I could solve words... and dissolve hurts
I would grip my hands around the dirty earth
feel the nature of my state, undercompensate....shape a ball's worth
let it drop back down to the ground, sigh without a sound"
The beginning of this joint really grabbed me, getting a reader to stick with your first couple of lines is important and you mos def did that, the thing i didnt like was that at times it seemed like you were just bored with the poem...parts like "eyes of fashion, dripped in passion
dream a dream to touch her bodice
not for the taking or the asking
why does everything got to be so tragic?
Iconoclastic... we just reach for the spot"
seemed a bit jumbled like you tried to put a block in the hole for the circle...strange huh?
Overall a good piece though i liked it a lot
-Fiasco

[p O e T i Q u E]

^^agrees the first couple of lines caught me. Some lines were out of the blue but all in all i did like the poem keep droppin

[.verity.]

great opener... i really enjoyed reading this peice. just flowed so smoothly and you had alot of cool metaphors and some very interesting word play. much props. neway or the most part the only thing i didnt really like was the structure of this peice. neway solid drop, keep em commin

peace...

[Mag...]

thanks for the kind words

i did struggle at the end... and have changed it a few times

we'll see if I change it again... probably someday