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Thread: Ageing Love

  1. #1
    victory Dan 'V's Avatar
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    Ageing Love

    Ageing Love
    by: Dan 'V

    Alone in another equilibrium;
    Living in a prison of regrets that
    number of offenders is just one.
    My heart beats out of my chest,
    pumping blood so violently
    my tears stain red;
    Oh what a way to die,
    I must have nine lives,
    I died many months ago inside.
    Dare to dream of happiness
    fore it feels like I’m betraying the word,
    I exist in.
    A life among people isn’t easy
    feeling the burning of eyes eroding my flesh,
    Mistakes I’ve made by you
    leave an eclipse in my head.
    A black hole of dismay still remains.

    Then you came into my life
    a shooting star in the night sky,
    shown as a blip in a perfect wind,
    The weight of the world,
    you are mine.

    Tie a ribbon to the old willow tree,
    Seduce me with dignity
    time and time again,
    I ask myself why you are still here;
    Please humour me;
    ask your father for his blessing,
    your mother for my forgiveness,
    you were my friend;
    a companion with a craving lovers eye;
    Teenage girl playing the part of a lady,
    how many times must I spell it out?
    I-LOVE-YOU,
    yes you,
    not her, nor her and defiantly not her.
    You!
    Your eye’s light up the entire universe,
    You, with the sense of humour
    that would fill an entire room with applause.
    My girl, with enough elegance
    to charm the birds from the tree’s
    as you mould against me.
    Fires remain warm at your side,
    Why;
    because you’ve set my heart a light!
    Passion and lust now compresses
    from the tips of my fingers,
    contact with your eyes as my
    immature past frazzles away.

    I’ve accepted I need to grow,
    In our relationship;
    but more importantly as a man,
    place a flower in my hand.
    A vintage bottle of wine,
    I am aged and matured.

    Taking control of my future

    It was the talk from our priest that did it.
    His words made a great impression on me,
    “Why do you love this woman”?
    Why do you wish to marry her?”

    he said,
    as thoughts fulfilled my reply
    I never remember what I said,
    I was so nervous.
    Birds flying, rockets swirling in the blue sky,
    that was our holy day.
    The day we wed;
    a red sky at night;
    a delight,
    passions between us ignited
    a thousand fires brightened,
    fireworks with an instant glare,
    thanks to us.
    A honeymoon never tasted so suite.
    Two shapes of gold attached to our frames,
    enforcing a bond made between us animals.
    Life-force continued by mutters of
    I love you.
    In my last moment of solace
    I remember the last question I was asked
    by the priest, it was

    ”Last of all who is this woman”

    I replied,

    “This woman, it could be anyone in the world”

    Last edited by Dan 'V; April 14th, 2009 at 02:29 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    Re: Ageing Love

    Reserved for feed.

  4. #4
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    Re: Ageing Love

    Teenage girl playing the part of a lady,
    how many times must I spell it out?
    I-LOVE-YOU,
    yes you,
    not her, nor her and defiantly not her.
    You!
    Your eye’s light up the entire universe,
    You, with the sense of humour
    that would fill an entire room with applause.
    My girl, with enough elegance
    to charm the birds from the tree’s
    as you mould against me.


    These were my favorite lines....they were really creative and the structure and language was unique to you....
    you didn't ty to do too much with the vocab and I think it added to the piece.

    I like the twist in the piece towards the end.....it was very original and made it very fun to read.


    In my last moment of solace
    I remember the last question I was asked
    by the priest, it was

    ”Last of all who is this woman”

    I replied,

    “This woman, it could be anyone in the world”



    Had a small hint of some subtle hunour which I really liked....

    Keep it up homie....if you ever feel like Collabing on a poetry piece PM me...

    hoffa.

  5. #5
    victory Dan 'V's Avatar
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    Re: Ageing Love

    Thanks

  6. #6
    victory Dan 'V's Avatar
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    Re: Ageing Love

    Upping to the top

  7. #7
    chillin villain Lelouch's Avatar
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    Re: Ageing Love

    Sorry for getting to this so late, forgot about it..
    but it was a very good read with great imagery
    and emotion, i liked the little twist you added in there
    to make it more interesting, overall its a very good read,
    keep writing.
    "Four letter words or four syllable words won't make you a poet
    It will only magnify how shallow you are, and let everybody know it."
    -Gil Scott Heron.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    .Infekted Penz.
    .Nightmares.

  8. #8
    victory Dan 'V's Avatar
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    Re: Ageing Love

    more comments?


    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
    Then I realised God doesn’t work that way, so I stole
    one and prayed for forgiveness.

    - Emo Philips

  9. #9
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    Re: Ageing Love

    the good part is that it told a story,, but then again you could of been more consistant and you could have used a different vocabulary..
    passions between us ignited
    a thousand fires brightened,
    fireworks with an instant glare,
    thanks to us.
    A honeymoon never tasted so suite.


    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    this was a nice play on words and a part that i admired..its an nice poem,,it just needs to rhyme a little bit more

  10. #10
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Ageing Love

    damn. don't up threads that are so old.
    LOL

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