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Thread: Untitled Poem

  1. #1
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    Untitled Poem

    Holding an autumn leaf in my hand..
    Noticing the reds and oranges melt into my pores
    Breath circulating in me, until its fresh and new
    I let the gust claw and tear at my skin
    Until my veins float to the top..mortal and blue

    Sometimes I feel blinded by the glorious flakes
    Reflecting the sun's gentle light
    Swallowing me into the frost's belly
    Icicles hang mockingly from my bangs
    Its frigid cold outside, but my legs are jelly.

    The blankets of green offer me comfort
    As the blur of pavement below me degrades me
    Globe spins with little concern
    The scowl of Mother Earth leaves me
    Applying ointment to humanity's burn.

    The morbid heat beats burns and blisters
    Yet the proletariate dip into Earth's essense
    Like it belongs to them truly
    In the minds of mortals
    The cycle plays out like an old movie
    Last edited by >Inertia>; January 5th, 2005 at 02:00 AM

  2. #2
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    This was written very well, and i really liked the structure. It had a good flow with it and it stayed consistent in its own way. I take it that it was about the seasons, and I thought that was pretty cool.. nature poems can be real nice and refreshing and you did well with it, as some can get a little boring or played.. but you did well. Keep it up.
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  3. #3
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    Yea..i'll check it out...more critique please.

  4. #4
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    Interesting. The vividness of the piece was nice. Though once or twice it seemed to struggle with that. The idea i dug. And the feelings that came with the piece wouild suggest you executed it. But i think at times, especially in the third and fourth stanza, you began to use metaphors/analogies that seemed to disconnect from the peice. Like

    The scowl of Mother Earth leaves me
    Applying ointment to humanity's burn.

    Which didn't quite go. It seems too blatant. And no good build up to make it good. And the last two lines. Just seemed a bit over the top when the kind of mellowness and brooding (if that's the right choice of words) of the piece demanded something else.

    Still, i thought it was a good piece. And i did like reading it.
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  5. #5
    Siberian
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    that was actually pretty nice,
    The blankets of green offer me comfort
    As the blur of pavement below me degrades me
    the condridiction here was great
    also had some nice imagery

  6. #6
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    This was nicely done like everyone above me has siad but i didnt really catch the flow in this that much but it isnt a big deal at all. You did a good job but i couldnt find the meaning behind this poem.

  7. #7
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    another nice piece mac. the imagery stood out the most to me. structure was interesting, and im not sure if i liked it or not. and to be honest, i think this would be stronger without the 3rd and 6th lines rhyming. it just didnt seem to go with your whole scheme and took away from the meaning in my opinion. still well written and a good read though.

    "Swallowing me into the frost's belly"

    ^I liked this line the most, very creative concept. good stuff
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  8. #8
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    I'm sorry I just really don't know how to respond... it had some coo lines... just didn't really resonate with me - the summary of the four seasons was done pretty well - interesting little poem - keep at it - peace

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