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Thread: Silver-lined Clouds

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Silver-lined Clouds

    Replied to...
    Working Man Blues - BTK
    Try Not To part 1 & 2 - Maven

    Silver-lined Clouds

    These vague clouds twirl in an intricate vision
    Of that has been lost within the rubik cube prism
    Who has not faced the threat of death
    But what do you expect from the light so desolate
    This tunnel is more of a catacomb of knowledge
    Centuries after the slavery of school was abolished
    A ghost town of poltergeists with a collapsing star
    That erroded the earth to a smouldering fog cigar
    And I exhale the remnants of a past high hope
    Where the lives of many were expired quickly and died slow
    In a trial of debris, I inhale the crimson earth
    As the mile depledes and the rubik's cube flirts
    With a reason for corse breathing and forced bleeding
    This fetus exceeding the need for birth with more seedlings
    So abrupt and glisten like these coke thin-lined sirius
    Dusty plains of death or is it the smoke in my eyelids
    That will remorse the early perverted virginity
    Of a circmstance that lasts for seconds transparent as infinity
    Staring past divinity, maybe these stars are a solution
    For separating these silver-lined cloud illusions
    The unexplained- I spelled it out with a felt tip
    Cause a raspy lip exceeds comprehension of a celtic
    A dialect so limited, I roll it in my blunt and take a hit of it
    And echo into one way train passage to hell my dominative
    As my compass points back at a crumbling civilization
    A sparse light ignites a once thought humbling visualization
    Of an imploding nebula, an intricately intwined network
    That surpassed our theory of the universe from experts
    So clap me like a mosquito in your webster and drown me
    In a thought bubble and destroy the rubble of babble on
    A library to an atheist, the pain that is illiterate in my county
    Hang me from the pendulum, tip the scales til the battle's won

    Edit us in a water vapor and perspirate to number nine sounds
    And drop us onto paper forming the papyrus silver-lined clouds

    Note: The italics are when the beat changes up a little bit, I tried to improvise.

    thanks and...
    Peace.
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    NONCENTZ AKA WORD~PERFECT noncentz's Avatar
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    you have an amazing gift for images....i must say im impressed greatly by this very consistant and reall i dont see a weak factor so i will name tis the first peace i give 10/10 rating to
    to love something,is to die for it ,if you do, your a martyr , but these days music is morbid, false carters ..prohet's for prophet no lie, look how our last martyr was crucified. to put it in it symplicity, you aint true...you wouldnt sacrifice a few dollars for authenticity..

  3. #3
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    ^Thank you very much. I truly appreciate that since I consider you someone of talent who knows talent. Up for some more.
    can I kick it?

  4. #4
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    Excellent very sureal unusual hip-hop it makes an awesome change from the same old stuff you hear in the charts you know. You have a lot of skills 10/10 easily.

  5. #5
    agree with both of them...( i kno i come across as a newb ...but b4 i left the site like 8 months ago...i was almost 2,000 poster..and drop'd some ok pieces myself..learned a lot from ppl like word...)..so juss keep it up..so neways

    you took ur topic 2 the next level...not with juss nice structure wordplay, and flow..but u had something that most writers dont have..or good writers still dont do well...and that is getting deep with wat u write..and i mean actually going with ur piece..and putting it out there like wearing ur feeling on ur sleeve..if ya get that...just a great emotional picture you showed...just an amazing write..great vocab..just very well a piece that deserves some good feed..

    keep writing...

    peze


    i

  6. #6
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thanks and up. *waits for Formula*
    can I kick it?

  7. #7
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    this was good...the imagery is powerfully epressive

    your syntax is superb

    your meter was well constructed...

    your rhyme was very nice...

    this was far above average in more aspects than i expected you to be...

    parts of this were actually...

    im starved for a better word than cool...

    this piece had a nice attitude...

    which is more important than people think...

    good job...

    one...
    Bittersweet

  8. #8
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    this was REALLY abstract. wow. i mean, impressively so.

    I do have a few pointers though, the first one being, don't be so abstract....it's a good talent to have, the whole non-direct writing, but if you do it to the point that the reader/listener can't understand your topic, then you've lost the point of the writing, haven't you? I really enjoy your imagery and vocabulary and the way it's all put together, but if you maybe toned it down and focused on the actual point of your piece instead of how intelligent you can make it sound, it might come across better. But that's just my opinion.

    You write very britishly, just in that you throw in a line about smoking weed in the middle of a very flowery-well written abstract piece. noone does that but the british. I, personally would have left it out, or found a different way of saying what you were trying to say, but i'm not british. so it's whatever loL.

    I liked the recurring theme of the rubiks cube, gave me something to come back to after being mindfucked by your abstractness :P.

    Anyways, lovely imagery, lovely everything....just try to be a bit more direct, it will help in getting people to relate to your writing. If they can see where you're coming from, you'll get a better response.

    Good work my friend =)

    be well.
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

  9. #9
    A ghost town of poltergeists with a collapsing star

    The unexplained- I spelled it out with a felt tip
    Cause a raspy lip exceeds comprehension of a celtic

    So clap me like a mosquito in your webster and drown me
    In a thought bubble and destroy the rubble of babble on


    nice drop one of the best since i been here but 10/10 c'mon get off his dick you got no rhyme scheme at all. just stretched bars that line up. but im not hating but you need to check out my shit if you think thats perfect

  10. #10
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    ^Herb. Get shot by the way.

    Thanks for the replies from the rest of you. Maven, I love being lovely

    And I had a theme, the whole time. A guy is walking underground in a tunnel, like as in a metaphor for heaven. Reread if you must. Up for some replies or maybe a nomination.
    can I kick it?

  11. #11
    I see you lookin.. stupid Brandon Heat's Avatar
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    honestly theres not much I can say... I for the most part agree with maven... :-\

    I'm abstarct and this was a lil to abstract for me... *shrugs shoulders* but what do I know...


    keep droppin...
    AlieNation
    ..GrindHouse..


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    we see you Cock-A-Roaches looking...

    Coming Soon

  12. #12
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thank you^.

    When I was writing this, I knew what I was talking about. This is one of my pieces that I am assured of...oh well. Irony.
    can I kick it?

  13. #13
    Roll Out The Barrel N-Demik's Avatar
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    I liked the abstractness the way it was...maybe it's just me, coz your way with words, constructed something kinda intangible...but not..intangible .. lol..It was nice..but what's the beat switch about? lol..what beat was that?

    Pat...so you can define a British writer? lemme in on the secret!!! :P

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  14. #14
    livingforce
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    real deep

    i like it,its deep so keep it up

  15. #15
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Nice piece. I liked it. As others have said it was very abstract and it kinda took away from the read. Being abstract is good but not too much. Good content and you showed things well in this. Also it had good consistency. Good drop.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

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