Swimming with Sharks

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Thread: Swimming with Sharks

  1. #1
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Swimming with Sharks



    Swimming With Sharks

    A black mist engulfs reason, clouds obscure and blur logical visions
    Excuses change with the seasons, encouraging prolonged indecision
    Peers took bites from me, served as a resource for people’s endless needs
    Carnivores feed and devour the weak, I was left alone and deceived
    Relief? I always missed it, opportunities teased and disappeared in instants
    Goals and dreams were specs in the distance, listened to whats nonexistent
    Looked down on was frowned upon, conformed to the life I was told to live
    As time went on I grew less strong, torn apart by society’s mind tricks
    I mourned my lost voice, submerged and drowning in the depths of life
    Inability to make my own choice, without first seeking outside advice
    True relationships were lost, suspicion chewed away at those strong bonds
    No familiar shoulders to cry on, those who had listened were long gone
    Life was never simple to handle, nothing good was given to me free
    Obstacles were stalking in my shadows, troubles were just meant to be
    Followed time’s chosen path, footsteps echoed off waves of barricades
    Swallowed sympathy‘s wrath, elusive problems shifted from day to day
    I made my way through infested pools, waded through souls as lost as me
    Found out I could be somewhat useful, and finally discovered lost originality
    Learned from mistakes and past events, Im always present in lifes free class
    Stronger with every hurdle passed, matured and picked the locks off traps
    Remove the shades that blind uniqueness, allow me to shed light on purpose
    No longer will I be rendered speechless, seek adventures below the surface
    Ignore negatives people tend to say, I live to live and dare to be daring
    And everything will turn out ok, complications are usually temporary
    Shadows may lurk but I show no fear, confront my ghosts and persevere
    Wipe my past so my future is clear, inspired by the image in the mirror
    When facing limitations in everyday situations…
    Go and push forward with all your heart
    No deviation when faced with intimidation…
    Hold your ground when swimming with sharks
    Last edited by Laureate; March 25th, 2013 at 02:45 PM
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  2. #2
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Last edited by Laureate; December 1st, 2004 at 06:09 PM
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  3. #3
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    I was feeling this. Very deep, passionate. You have a way with words, just the way every emcee should. But fortunately, not everyone does so lyrics like this will stand out even when not in the limelight. Great imagery, the flow was on point. Vocab was right for the occasion. Its refreshing when you can say more with less. But overall, very nice post, you can definetly feel that you put something behind it. Major props, I'll be reading more of your work in the future.
    Lyrical Defibrillator

  4. #4
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    And you're from Minnesota too, just caught that lol. Big ups!
    Lyrical Defibrillator

  5. #5
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    I'm not sure of the reason as to why everyone in this site is sleepin on this piece; all I do know is that they're missing out. As always, the vivid imagry you capture is breathtaking and at times painstakingly real, keep it up.

    I also noticed that this has a more uplifting message than some of your other work, nice to see some variety in your compositions. What does remain, however, is your everlasting aptitude for fusing words together to form in a seamless and seemingly effortless manner. I deeply respect and highly admire your handiwork, and the innate ability you have that fuels it.

  6. #6
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    ^ Who is this, he needs to post more on RB. Yeah Lyric has elevated much since I first took interest in him as a poet. The fact that you appreciate his work and leave a very positive reply wins many point with me, you really need to post more on this site. I'll be looking for your posts.

    Lyric, I wish you the best of luck in our match in WOPII man, I much rather have faced you in the final two...

    Respect

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  7. #7
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Word...I was hpin to see you in the finals Bounce...uppin for replies from people not from Minnesota lol
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  8. #8
    p!acid Johnny C.'s Avatar
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    this was fuckin immacculate1 great job, and GREAT vocb. i really dont have anything more to say about it, other than keep it up.

  9. #9
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    upp
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  10. #10
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    anyone? Dont sleep
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  11. #11
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    I gave you feed on this over AIM once. Good imagery, but especially, your abilities with metaphors and depth has become a great deal better. Good stuff. Hit up my Silver-lined Clouds in my siggy. All I want is someone who will read it and tell me your thoughts. Thank lyric, Peace.
    can I kick it?

  12. #12
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    I told you already that I thought this was real good but I think I'll give you a lot more detail now than I gave before; I have half an hour free now and I'm gonna dedicate it to your piece. I'm gonna give you some constructive criticism too, that might sound a little harsh; bear in mind that even though I'm criticising it, I still thought it was really, really dope.

    ..Okay, so.. I really love the way you've worded everything that you've said. The execution of your message was almost flawless. I could not have done a better job myself. But with respect, with the picture you were given, I thought that it was entirely the wrong approach. You were not given the title: "Swimming with Sharks" - you were given a picture. A picture of a shark, with a surfer only a few feet away from it.

    Ask yourself: if you were actually there, in the scene that the picture captures, would you tell that guy to "hold his ground?" No? ...Hell no, I didn't think so!

    So where else could you go with it? I think if I was given this pic I would most likely treat the shark as if it was an unseen enemy, a spy, or maybe even a traitor of some description. I might have even taken a totally abstract approach and given it a completely different context (just to mess with people's heads), and then use the whole shark scenario as an analogy to relate with the story that was being told.

    ...You could have done that, it's clearly quite within your capabilities as a writer, I think you just need to display you're imagination to a greater extent. Imagination is really one half to writing topicals. You could also have written the verse in a completely literal sense and simply told the story of the shark accident. And that could actually be very innovative if you thought it through properly.

    Structurally, the piece is sound. It's really just one long verse, but it works nicely. And syntactically, it's decent, it maybe could do with some work in places, but generally it was very well constructed and thought out throughout. Maybe thats just me being picky though. Like I said, I'm just in the mood to criticise today.

    Anyway, good looks, I hope it goes well. I read your piece for this round, and it's very nice indeed. You have nothing to fear from people like Bounce if you write to your potential! Good luck with everything you do son, I'll be watching to see what happens this round. I hear it two-nil Bounce right now - Don't give up hope yet!
    ...

  13. #13
    Blind is state of Mind. Braille's Avatar
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    aight this was a really good piece...especially because i feel i can relate to 90% of what your saying....as someone said before me..you have a way with words..and allthough your lines were long..they were not crammed...as strange as this sounds..i can't find anything to complain about accept that it wasn't as good as it could have been...i can't tell you right now how it could have been better...but when I figure out what it's missin...you'll be the first to hear about it..............very nice drop though....keep writin
    H.ence
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    F.orward



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    Originally Posted by P. Mortuus
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    I remember when Braille first appeared on the scene, we were all kids and we were in awe of the greying beard and wisdom.

  14. #14
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    I love Jekyll..thanks...more please?
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  15. #15
    Newbie fu2re troublez's Avatar
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    swimming with sharks

    hey man, what else can i say besides good peice?... i enjoyed reading it, the vocab was all there, it had a high sense of imagery... just stay up and be easy ~1~

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