Depths of Thought (Lyric and Mesmerize)

[Mesmerize]

uppin

[Egeria]

I hate to be one to overstate the obvious, but this was superb!! I can't see anything negative about this; thoroughly enjoyed every word and phrase I read. I felt both your verses complimented the other very well, and I connected especially with mesmerize's rhyme scheme. It was all there, and it shined through brilliantly. Excellent drop, you guys should keep collaborating

[C<>N]

Omg This Shit Was Ass

[Mesmerize]

C<>N
Posts: 14
Battle Record: 0-1

...Yea ok
sure, id be talkin...lmao


anyway thanks for the reply egeria

[J Saint]

word since i know ben pretty well i think he might want some more feedback other then...this was dope ... so here it is .. i felt your lines were too long at times ben but only by like 1 word and in poetry that can fly...but if you want a more fluid read for your audience just check your syallable count ... Mez i felt some of your word choice and frowned at other moments cornucopia is a word that you don't see to often in poetry not saying it can't be used but i didn't feel it in this context... that doesn't mean it wasn't dope though ... just some things to think about so that you know your not perfect and you can still get better and better ... aight pz.

[Mesmerize]

thanks for the feedback...and believe me i know im far from perfect, lol....no ones perfect and if someones serious about writing they will continue to elevate no matter how good or bad their work is.

[Laureate]

Thanks J Saint....yeah I dun mind negative feed as long as it is constructive....thanks buddy

[Mantra]

Mes~

Nice job bud. You've showed me bits and pieces of this on
aim and its good to see you finally mold it into a finished
piece. Outstanding emotion as always; and it was apparent
that it was where you placed the most emphasis. Which i thought
was appropriate for the approach you took and the overall
theme of it. Imagery wise pretty strong. Probably more so
towards the begining like the opener for example; where as
the further it progressed it delved more into the emotion
involved. Everthing else technically speaking was sound
vocab, flow, etc...as far as criticism i cant really say
where you could have improved or done something different
except maybe for the word choice in some spots, but that's
about it..regardless it was a good verse, props homes
n keep it up.

Lyric~

Okay for starters i thought the opener was good i liked the
wording and it drew me in so to speak. nice creativity. The
next four lines or so though i felt didn't really do the opener
justice. However you did do a good job with the imagery. And
really it seemed like you kinda went the opposite way as mez.
Choosing to focus more on the imagery.For example the lines about
kissing her and your arm serving as a pillow. Although i liked
how you did eventually progress into the emotional side of things
Everything else was in order: flow, vocab, wording
Good job mayne, props..sorry if this reply was a bit vague
it's late and my mind had slowed drastically, lol
plus you already got a shit load of detailed responses so
that should make up for it..oh yeah these were by far the
best lines of the poem...

"Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom"

^ill

[Mesmerize]

thanks for the feedback buddy....

[TinkR]

You made my heart race reading this i really liked it title and all keep it up!!!!

[Laureate]

Do not post in anybody elses thread unless you post a real critique.....that^shit your posting in everyones drops does not help them at all

[Mesmerize]

I dont think a lot of the newbies really know what feedback is...anyway it would be nice for peeps to break it down and tell why they liked/disliked it, and give constructive criticism. Thanks for the replies though.

[PostmorteM]

Definately one of the best pieces I've seen from you both...and I agree with a majority...the best thing about this was the imagery...you gave vivid words and expressions that put you in the situation....here's the best from you both...

Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses
Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside
Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying

^Right towards the ending of your verse...your opening had nice vocabulary...but this part held the most emotion and a much better part of the story to give an original feeling to it...

Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away
Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies
Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

^^This = dope...your imagery and emotion for the chick is like woah seriously N Sync gay...vocabulary and story was best here and I was actually feeling most parts of your entire verse...


BreakDown
Vocabulary - Mesmerize
Imagery - Lyric
Emotion - Lyric
Originality - Both
Structure - Both
Overall:
Nice piece without a doubt...could've been more indepth storywise...and the name of this topic is anus for what you guys wrote...neither of you really need any major work on writtens...just keep up with what your doing to you both honestly...


Rating:
8.5/10