Depths of Thought (Lyric and Mesmerize)

[Laureate]

Depths of Thought

Mesmerize=Normal
Lyric=Italics

A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist
Erased reality into a divine dream of loves enchanted place
Embedded beneath your arms as you trace your fingers down my spine
Profound sublime entwined my heart as your benign eyes confine
Your redolence seeps among my breath and lifts me to utopia
Unlocking the gate of my chateau filled with blissful cornucopia
Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses
Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside
Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying
Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears

Looking deep into your loving eyes, time possesses the key to close them
Attempt to keep my vision focused, determined to cherish every moment
Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away
Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies
Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom
But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale

[Mantra]

the title sucks, lol
i'll edit in my reply later

[Ace of Aces]

yea bad title, but that doesn't mean this verse is bad. in fact, its far from it. this was damn dope. my fav is the first verse, but the whole of it was dope. the flow in the first, and the emotion in the second made this an ill combination. i recommend you change the title, but this was real nice, i'll nominate it for top of them month later. keep writing like this. props.

peace

[Mesmerize]

thanks a lot ace, i told lyric it shoulda been called "The Utopia of Reality" but we dont know how to change it, lol

[Incineratedrose]

i liked the title either way i thought this was really good, i like how you started the verse Mez, i thought those first two lines were a great way to start this off, WAY good job to the both of you i thought this collab was perfect, the wayy it all went together, just great again good job to the both of you ..

-thank you.

[Foreshadow]

I havent been around for awhile but this was great you both did a real nice job with everything I loved it.

[Mesmerize]

thanks alot guys for the feed....upping

[Thrust]

mez- way to hit things off, an advanced piece from start to finish, no dull spots, your images through your writings are so clear, i just catch the feeling of your verse so easily, the flow and use of words were great

lyric- you followed up mez's dopeness well, it was a pretty quality verse, you had some lines that stood out more than other's, the way you related the seas line was good and caught my intention more n more, the ending fit nicely

g'job guys

[Laureate]

thanks everyone

[Rule.]

You guys left me sayin damn.

Here's why.

From the very beginning, all the way until the end, you 2 seemed to successfully connect every word together so it came out so easy to read and everything seemed just to gel together. The rhythm was constantly on point, which made the read easy and able to focus on the meaning rather than having to go back and re-read something written choppy.

The imagery was amazing. So much detail throughout, and sometimes it was packed into one or two words. Both of your choices of adjectives painted this awesome display, and I got mixed feelings sometimes, wondering if you were leading me to see one thing, and then it totally changed. I loved it.

I could tell that Mes knows her vocabulary, it was really strong throughout, entwining her words together to create a steady rhythm. Some people just throw in big complicated words for bonus points, but she used them well to illustrate her picture.

This was one of the best pieces I've read in awhile, and I usually dont drop comments unless its worth commenting on.

This is the type of shit people jack and call it their own.. thats how nice it is. Mad props to both of you, this piece deserves more recognition than its getting.

[Mesmerize]

uppity up

[ILLusions]

Alright...breakdown time....

First....not feeling the title...sorry, I just think that maybe it doesn't fit the theme...anyways...

Mes...

A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist
Erased reality into a divine dream of loves enchanted place
Embedded beneath your arms as you trace your fingers down my spine
Profound sublime entwined my heart as your benign eyes confine

^^^
Good opener, you set it up for the story and gave it a backgroud. Nice use of wordage here and imagery is there.

Your redolence seeps among my breath and lifts me to utopia
Unlocking the gate of my chateau filled with blissful cornucopia
Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses

^^^
The only thing i didn't like about this part was the rhyme of utopia and cornucopia...i mean i love using the word utopia but it sucks that there aren't many words that rhyme with it. I still felt this part, you made up for it with the "existence, subsistence and sweet and tender kisses" good multi rhyme there

Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside

^^^
This placed more emotion into your part and definetly gave it feeling towards your piece's goal.

Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying
Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears

^^^
"Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears" Great ending, not over the top but around the side and it hits you. Overall, I really felt what you did here. Just that one word usage I didn't feel but overall you did another great job!

Now for Lyric...

Looking deep into your loving eyes, time possesses the key to close them
Attempt to keep my vision focused, determined to cherish every moment
Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away

^^^
I first started to read this and your beginning didn't really grab me. I became a little worried but you last line gave me hope. I started to see that imagery you wanted to create so I kept reading.

Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies

^^^
Good 4 lines here, nothing really out of the ordinary but your emotion kept up its pace and sometimes people can't do that. Good work...

Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

^^^
The last line here I thought was really good, especially for your part. It started a built up and then you kept it going getting ready for the last 4.

But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale

^^^
Well I think that this was your best work in this....I can't even really break it down but this whole thing had almost everything. Nice


Overall I think you both did a good piece here...although at times I felt that lyric fell but he ended his piece as such that it just about made up for it. Word usage here was average, rhyme scheme was good (lyric's was tough), emotion was nice and imagery definetly came through so I would say, I would read another piece written by you two. I hope this was good enough feedback...nothing negative, keep up the good work.

[EpistemologyRaps]

i'm impressed. your diction and grooving of words have left me very impressed. i have lines here and there that still ring in my head. but this one stood out the most....

Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

this was such a strong line in my personal opinion. don't even worry about the title. better to have that than have someone make a creative ass title and the piece sucks. the both of you really did a good job with this collaboration. i really hope to see work from the both of you individually and together again. keep this nice work up...

[spokenoh]

Yeah, this certainly deserved the OM of the Month nod.

Mez, you came really nice on this. Imagery was dope, and you had tons of emotion and thought. I could feel how you need the security of a good, caring man for you. I liked when you used repetition and alliterations:
"A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist"

Definitely keep your style of alliterations. You are a good wordsmith. Only thing I would say to improve is the significant displayal of what is a poem and an Open Mic. This was better than some of your other OMs that lack multies and internals. Keep it up.


Lyric, you came equally as nice. I liked seeing the metaphors and imagery that you expressed throughout. Lines were long, and hampered flow though. You also could have used more multies in places. The last few lines were really good:
"Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom
But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale"

I liked the 'fathom' line - it was deep. Now, go hit up Self Portrait if you haven't. Thanks and Peace.

[Mesmerize]

thanks alot guys, your detailed feedback is always appreciated