Sunshine

[rule]

Sun's Shining on your face piercing your skin
Eyes shut with the covers you're snugglen in
Thoughts begin to devour my mind every minute
My beds empty wishing you were next to me in it
I'll pray for forgiveness strength to do right
Keep you safe daily while angels watch you at night
Prevail with your life take steps toward the end
We're more then a couple in lust you're my friend
Let's begin a quest stepping aside in matching strides
The day we met my lifes changed I feel good inside
Love being alive you give me a feeling that's unique
A beuaty so indepth even god desires your physic
My lifes critiqued i'm on a new path i've changed
I write these words so I can slowly explain
You washed away my pain gave birth to happiness
What can I do for you? How can I exchange the gift
When away you're missed dearly my heart pouts
I can't sleep thoughts of you are dancing about
Figuring this out is hard the fire of thought's blazing
My baby girls more than half angel half amazing
Together star gazing cuddling on the tramp with you
Cold outside but you don't complain when lips are blue
So cute & so true but you got to speak up no worries
Laugh at every joke possible & you have the best stories
You do so much for me how can I return the blessing
Can I be the the answer to all your love questions
Help through lessons that we can learn together
Can I treat you like theres no tomorrow & better
Give you whatever do whatever be a gentleman
Hold you & keep you safe in our gentle hands
I understand you've had lovers in the past
Realations of love but they didn't exactly last
Moved to fast & I don't want to break your heart
Love at your pace so your not ever ripped apart
& depart from my eyes when closed I vision perfect; You
Anything to put a smile apon your face cos you're worth it
Deserve a tight grip something you can trust & have faith
In the future i'm sure we'll cause little mistakes
So just in case i'm apoligizing now Because Vic..
Can stay angry & I don't want to hurt our relationship
We found relations quick you're not one to quickly judge
I'm telling whats in me not to get into you because
You make it easy to fall inlove while you sleep & I dream
About if you're sleeping okie & your face wasn't cried clean
Truthfully i'll give you everything I can by any means
So when you awake i'll be on the porch smilen
No worries over head just you beside me & in my mind.
Together in the sunshine.

[rule]

Upped.

[rule]

you people wonder why I don't reply to you fucks

[shawty"B"]

i like this peice a lot. It has some really interesting emotion in here, and just by the way that it was written and the poetic voice is heard, you mean it, from the bottom of your heart, you mean it. The imagery in this became a little less in a place or two, but within the next line or two seemed to pick right back up and you were back at the constant imagery and emotion again. Tjis is a really great peice, and a read that was well worth it. Other people should reply to this, its not deserving to go undread!
aanywyas, great job Rule.

.........fav part...........

I'm telling whats in me not to get into you because
You make it easy to fall inlove while you sleep & I dream
About if you're sleeping okie & your face wasn't cried clean
Truthfully i'll give you everything I can by any means
So when you awake i'll be on the porch smilen
No worries over head just you beside me & in my mind.

keep droppin

if yah want to, please return

[EpistemologyRaps]

Quoted from Rule

you people wonder why I don't reply to you fucks

you should always reply. it's a contradiction to complain about what you just admit you do. believe me just reply and let the person's thread know you want them to return the favor.

however, back to the lecture at hand. i thought the piece lacked diction. i think that you should try using a thesaurus sometimes when you think of using a word over again. not that you use repetition, but i feel as though it lacked its defenition. i understand that you feel te message behind he poem but you need to make us feel through words vividly how to make us really identify ourselves with you written work. upping the diction does that. not saying you need scientific words to describe how you feel about love but there is more vocabulary available.

now that i'm done with the negatives i'll focus on what i did like. how you focused on how she did you the favor of saving you from your misery was interesting. you wanted to repay her for what she had done for you. simple poem. nice. keep writting. and responding...

[rule]

Yeah i'll hit both you back...Ep what do you mean the diction? Like just up my vocab type thing?

Thanks for the feed.

[EpistemologyRaps]

yea the vocab...

[rule]

Ighty...i'll try and do it next piece I write...easy topic i'l ltry and up the vocab...you got anything i can check out

[EpistemologyRaps]

i have two poem in this forum. "heart of a bullet", and "updating train of thought"

[urslimshadygurl]

i give u credit, even though im new at this game, i really liked that peice. it was deep with thought and feelings i liked it i give it a 8

[rule]

^^thank you...i'll be sure to look or summin of yours