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Thread: verse 1 to my new song....please check

  1. #1
    Banned Xdicy's Avatar
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    verse 1 to my new song....please check

    when i began to start,my hart was subzero, i became a shark, i must harm these punk-hero's,
    so i made-my-list, to save-my-kids, got deep into society and gave-my-shits
    and when the list-was-done, mission-one, was to kill a christion-son, this shit is fun,
    packing ammunition-guns, fits-n-slugs, nambla saying kids-n-love, there gettin'-fucked,
    so i sneek in behind some stained-glass,3-gays-pass,1 cracks a joke and they-lauph
    claim they want to save-man, with stray-hands, beatin' off alter boys every chance that they-have
    so i toss this cocktail, i no its not-fair, kill them all but what do we got-here
    a passed-out-priest, with smashed-out-teeth, thinks he ganna live but he's the last-found-fiest


    uppen

  2. #2
    Innovator.
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    This was terrible. The flow, the structure, no metaphor's, no point, I wasn't feeling it at all. Just write something with content. Get better. Peace.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  3. #3
    Banned Xdicy's Avatar
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    wtf

    it is a story telling track....how can make myself better?u didnt realy give anything at all except that i suck......and that doesnt help....

    uppen

  4. #4
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    Sorry man..this wasn't great in terms of text, but it might convert better into audio. I wasn't really feeling to story..didn't really seem to have a point or to be very meanigful or heartfelt. Ditch the "-"s in OMs..not necessary. Flow was decent..vocab wasn't too good though. Keep writing, you'll elevate.

  5. #5
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    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

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