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Thread: looking good from a far but not up close

  1. #1
    Banned
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    looking good from a far but not up close

    Meter's away and seeming as hot as inches from the sun
    might well be resisting arrest the way eyes hit like stun guns
    started wondering for the first time if angels really existed
    felt like christmas 4 a time cause with her here i felt gifted
    didnt knoe what to do, wanted 2 aproach her with a witty line
    imagind she was so bright she made even the dark lights shine
    hitting unknown strings like piano players playing chello
    speaking only of her beauty some would likely think me shallow
    with each stride across the place realization came with haste
    movement of vermin grace help distract occurd placement of her face
    eyes oddly turned to that of kelidiscope like horrifying beams
    getting closer heard her laugh like demons prying screams
    becoming unable to cope paniked now by my direction
    with little affection i made my feet make their correction
    getting cold walking close like eskimos finished cooking
    so she looked good from afar, but is far from good looking?


    "DAMN, that kind of seemed like a close one my friend"
    "No kidding she has the look the apocolypse would offend"
    I apologize for her, I really have no idea WHO let HER in?
    Best be sorry 4 the drunk dude going home with her in the end!


    BTW the convo at the end can be anyone u like it to be...

  2. #2
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
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    this was good
    it had great well worded lines,u had some funny lines also towards the end of the poem,the imagery in this was nice...aswell was the emotion i guess,i enjoyed reading this peace man.....keep droppin hot poems stayup
    AI

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  3. #3
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  4. #4
    Beautifully Decayed Mesmerize's Avatar
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    I liked this peice, it was kinda different which is always nice. You had some nice multis in there as well as metaphores. The flow was pretty smooth and structure not bad. The imagery was the main thing that made this peice a good read. You grabbed my attention with this and kept me pulled in. One thing I noticed was you had several mispelled words in there, try typing it on MS word first or read back over it so it will make it easier for others to read. Nice drop though man, keep it up.

    Peace,
    Mez

  5. #5
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    see you write something new and get nice new replies...ille dit with a reply in a minute

    this was ok...you need to fix the spellin errors, and i hate the substitution of numbers for words...also...some of the lines struck me as filler and/or weak...i see that other people didn't percieve these to be flaws....but...i don't think this was that strong of a piece...not a bad concept, good ending...but i think the beginning was weak...and parts were confusing...blah..this was average for you...you're rusty....

    8.2/10
    Last edited by Sublime D; September 2nd, 2004 at 05:15 PM
    Bittersweet

  6. #6
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    two active threads rule... closed

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