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Thread: Better Left Alone

  1. #1
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Better Left Alone

    Okay I know it's A bit long (because It's gonna get recorded)
    But please take the time to read it I really want some feed
    on this piece. -SyaNidal

    Better Left Alone
    Written By:SyaNidal

    I feel so left out, no one even bothers to speak with me,
    I'm weakning, as my mind and body collapse equally,
    I Have No reason to be here, I'm better off left alone,
    In My own Home, by the lake-and across the stepping stones,
    Back to where I started, Laying prone-on the floor,
    Trying to imagine for myself, what the lord has instore,
    I sweat from my pores, as I sit and wonder, what happens next,
    My Imagination has left me vexxed-like I crashed and wrecked,
    And Then I see a cloud, it rolls by so quick and swift,
    As if it has something to look forward to-and then it drips,
    Drops of water hit the ground, quietly but making sounds,
    The drip-drop of the rain, so calm and yet so loud,
    As it flutters to it's end-It's deathbed a puddle is found,
    Another drip is drowned, as ripples form all Around,
    -In swimming pools, and then a sudden shake, and a boom,
    Lightning strikes, thunder rolls-and the storm exits the room,

    Sometimes I cry, realizing I could be there in the light,
    there in the fight-against hat eof every type,
    racism-terrorism, I could be there jsut to help,
    and then I realize-It's jsut me the dark and my self,

    Thinking of the future, and what may become of me,
    I barely have time to breath-Or even sleep,
    My Heads full of thoughts, No one loves me or ever cares,
    Dropped out in 9th Grade, That's why my wallet is Bare,
    Highschool wasn't my thing, maybe cause I had no friends,
    I Could barely make ends meet, let alone meet ends,
    Had no where to go, Parents died when I was young,
    Had so much to overcome-and my lif ehad just begun,
    Now you see why I'm so selfish, friendless and by myself,
    Living without wealth, as I decay and deny good health,
    I'm useless to this earth, probably better off in a hearse,
    No, I'm wrong theres something worse, the pain sinks in it hurts,
    Cause', I'm better off being dead, than having no one who cares,
    No one who loves to stare, or notices what I wear,
    So I kneel silently in prayer, just before I ascend the stairs,
    -of heaven, and the gifts I bare are none.
    cauz I'm just a second to done.

    Sometimes I cry, realizing I could be there in the light,
    there in the fight-against hat eof every type,
    racism-terrorism, I could be there jsut to help,
    and then I realize-It's jsut me the dark and my self,

    Even the doctors think, that I'm a waste of space and time,
    This is why I copy lines, as I race to paste these rhymes,
    and images of Mine-in the minds of the youth, to drop the Nines,
    Hit the books and stop the crimes-Don't try and swap your lives,
    Always look to the skies, and Never drop your head in Shame,
    Dreams of Fame-Keep at it, be original instead of plain,
    Resist the Pain, Try and keep yourself-and everyone else positive,
    I don't even wanna be my own friend, I take Lots of Shit,
    So don't make my mistakes-Keep you self in Shape,
    And Just open the gates, Keep the love and Melt the Hate,
    I was walking down the street when I first Realized,
    How much I despised, Normal people-the look in there Eyes,
    And that's when I dropped my life, and Stopped thinkin of Wives,
    No Future Ladies and Why?, Cause I'm best UnKnown,
    First time I met one Grown-A Person with no Home,
    Is when I knew that on my own, I wus better off Alone.

    Sometimes I cry, realizing I could be there in the light,
    there in the fight-against hat eof every type,
    racism-terrorism, I could be there jsut to help,
    and then I realize-It's jsut me the dark and my self.
    Last edited by Steven William; September 1st, 2004 at 02:04 AM
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  2. #2
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Last edited by Steven William; September 1st, 2004 at 12:14 AM
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  3. #3
    Merk Squad
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    I like this piece... which you already know...

    but it almost should be posted in poetic scriptures. not cuz it's bad, but it's more poetry than anything else... that's what I get from it. Deep emotion, soul-baring writing. work on your wording, most of it was dope.

    good job.

    pz

  4. #4
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Apprciated^

    future critics please tell me Worst/Best lines if possible
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  5. #5
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    ^never look at at verse for individual lines...it should always be looked at for the entire thing...unless theirs standout lines, that's different...A piece should come together as a whole...not just a bunch of branches.

    hmmmm...I like this piece actually, kept me interesed n' kept me reading. Reading it doesn't really do justice though...i'd have to hear it first to really get the true feel...because the way I say it...would be totally different than the way you say it. But overall, good work man. props on this. Now backin' to arguin with $pitacular on my piece.

    pz out. god bless.
    - T-West.

  6. #6
    -hydra-
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    to much to read............u can use the beat i made for this piece...hope you get the equipment i told you to get. Ill probably comment on it tommroow...just lets se..

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by SyaNidal
    Apprciated^

    future critics please tell me Worst/Best lines if possible
    I was willing to help you on AIM earlier & you didn't seem to respond to my advice, so....

  8. #8
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    I did to!
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  9. #9
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Uppin!
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  10. #10
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Fucking give me some feed you bastards
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  11. #11
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    pretty cool - flow was on point - there weren't any lines that really lingered in my mind - more of just an overall feeling... chorus was cool, dunno I didn't like the "hearse" line - emotion in it was good - just work on having a couple stand out lines - closer was decent but nothing special - keep at it

    peace

  12. #12
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    Uppin again stop being lazy asses and read it.
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  13. #13
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    wtf takes 10 minutes of y our time and reply
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

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