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Thread: "What I Told My Girl"

  1. August 27th, 2004, 09:07 AM #1
    DOG-FOOD
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    "What I Told My Girl"

    Life is bad yo, and will it ever get better
    Even on the sunny days..i see bad weather
    Please understand i DO love you Heather
    Thats why I be writin you this letter
    Prayin some day that we get back together
    Inside me I am about to explode
    But then inside my mind it showed
    Like a fuckin light bulb it glowed
    My mistakes just came out like a flow
    But my thoughts were detected
    NO ONE was there to reflect it
    Now I fuckin stand here neglected
    I try and try and I never get respected
    Tryin to live life cause I got to survive
    Seems I am the only sensible man alive
    Inside me babe..cant you understand my thrive
    Look at me cause it shows in my eyes
    You are my world and thats why I choosed you
    Didnt know i could love again until I knew you
    Please dont let my feelins ever confuse you
    You said my love wasnt there..like I fuckin abused you
    But I DO love you babe..and I never want to lose you
    Everything that you have done has inspired me
    I wouldnt continue life...but your love requires me
    What do i got to do for you to admire me
    Nothing is bad..you just decrete and perspire me
    If I didnt love you then I wouldnt keep trying
    When I say I love you..babe trust me im not lying
    Without you in my life..my world would be dying
    Just thinking about this shit im already crying
    I can only imagine some stuff and there scary things
    But when im with you i feel like very free
    Why cant we grow old with kids and a Cherry Tree
    Inside you love me..but your tryin to bury me
    To top this off..I would like to know if you will marry me
    rep to da def
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  2. August 27th, 2004, 09:12 AM #2
    DOG-FOOD
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    here are my two links..........can i get some feed please


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143461

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143395
    rep to da def
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  3. August 27th, 2004, 09:32 AM #3
    Endeva.
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    lmao.... nah it was ok i suppose, but you really need to work on your complexity, it was mainly end of line rhyming, add internals and multis thru it, it will flow and appeal more to the readers.... the actual story element was ok, but like i said you need to beef it up... oh and id lengthen your bars a few syllables aswell, and work on your transitions some.... ok... just trying to help out....
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]
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  4. August 27th, 2004, 09:34 AM #4
    DOG-FOOD
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    ummm...... ok thanks man....................................
    rep to da def
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  5. August 27th, 2004, 09:58 AM #5
    crazyrapper14
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    i liked the imagery in this piece. it showed your emotions clearly, it was simple, but hey sometimes simplicity is the key...good job...

    ...and who ever heather is, she a very lucky girl to have a guy that cares about her so much...
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  6. August 27th, 2004, 10:18 AM #6
    Freeman
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    If you ever want to write songs, like really write songs..
    .. Dont lengthen your bars unless you want to try and spit like twista.

    You can critique this yourself..
    .. Imagine its the lyrics to a song, would you listen to that song more than once?

    No.

    Keep trying.

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  7. August 27th, 2004, 10:20 AM #7
    crazyrapper14
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    ^very well said.
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  8. August 27th, 2004, 10:23 AM #8
    $hawty
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    awww thats sweet
    iz a nice style u got goin there....
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  9. August 27th, 2004, 10:30 AM #9
    DOG-FOOD
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    thanks for the feed yo..........uppin..................
    rep to da def
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  10. August 27th, 2004, 11:25 AM #10
    DOG-FOOD
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    uppin..........
    rep to da def
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  11. August 27th, 2004, 11:52 AM #11
    World War
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    Sounds like something I said to one of my girlfriends...and then she fucked someone else, got pregnant, engaged twice, and now I'm in love with what was her best friend (twisted?). Things are great now. Hopefully that doesn't happen to you though. It was simple, sweet, and short. Right to the point. That's what was good about it. You didn't beat around the bush. Transition could use work though. And more rhyming in the lines.
    World War "Frontline Soldier"
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  12. August 27th, 2004, 01:12 PM #12
    DOG-FOOD
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  13. August 27th, 2004, 01:59 PM #13
    Fire aka Nikkelz
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    I think that it was a nice jesture to show ur feelings. I think that it was good that you got some of that stuff off your chest. Kinda seemed like it was bothering you. Good work.

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  14. August 27th, 2004, 02:51 PM #14
    Demon Pyrokronix
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    Deep with some nice imagery; concept has been used before... but...

    Ok it isn't exactly Ironie's Battlefield or Thanks Mum (both RB and RV open mics) but it was good to read.
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  15. August 27th, 2004, 05:44 PM #15
    DOG-FOOD
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    uppin............................................. ...............
    rep to da def
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