Forced Delivery

[Sublime D]

I am in the dark
Yet I am fully content
I simply slumber and wait
Ignorant of impending fate..

Absorbing the sounds around, knowledge abounds
With rapidness that will not again be found, but now
Events that truly do confound…as I am
Surrounded by a piercing cry, my silence broken
Words are spoken, many strange unnerving motions
Bring about deranged emotions…

What could drain the sustaining ocean?

Erosion of walls, my world begins to fall
I claw in vain, calling on all strain
In hopes to maintain my stayed being on this plane
But pain, forces my hand to abandon
All that I know as sane for a ransom
Demure to the change for reward so handsome
Succor from the bane that absorbs my passion…

Abrupt distraction from my internal clashin’
When graspin’ hands invade my fastened chasm
And seem to seek a breech extraction
The scene is bleak, im losing traction
Options lean I fiend for action
But before I breathe I greet my assassin…

Inverted vision, blurred from nine months interred
Beyond words, I scream to express supreme blight
Inhaling deep and then suddenly sight…
I am in the light

By David A. Bryant Jr.

[Sublime D]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17125

[Sublime D]

special delivery...

[DaGyrlRemarqabL]

Sup Sublime...
This was an awesome piece, I really enjoyed reading it. The way you described birth in this piece was so intriguing. Really incredible the way it all came together. I liked the transition from the beginning to the end, the dark,the ignorance and bliss, and then finally being exposed to the light. I also was really feeling the internal rhyme scheme of this piece, it really had a unique flow which I admired and applaud you for. This line is a superb example of what I mean:

"Demure to the change for reward so handsome
Succor from the bane that absorbs my passion…"

Tremendous.

This piece was great on a whole, but some lines that really stood out to me besides the one above were:

"What could drain the sustaining ocean?"

The way that sentence was worded and the fact that it was seperated from the text before and after it just really made it that much more prominent of a question and a great part of the poem.

"Abrupt distraction from my internal clashin’
When graspin’ hands invade my fastened chasm"

That line was great, also. Really stood out to me because of its unique, yet well blended, diction.

"Options lean I fiend for action
But before I breathe I greet my assassin…"

I thought this line was dope as well.
I loved the whole concept of this piece and the way you executed it, I also liked how it may be interpreted on a literatal level [corresponding to the title] but also may relate on other levels as well, being in the dark, coming into the light, an ongoing struggle......great work.

Sorry I took so long to reply, I'm a busy college girl now. With this one down, I only owe you about 9347220 more replies and about 48275 up's.
But this definately deserves more replies.
Keep at it, you're obviously a very talented writer.

[Sublime D]

lol...thank you so much girl...you don't owe me anything...i feel like i shoudl give you something..um..o..an indefiinite invitiation to divine diction...any tiem you want in, if you want in, you're guaranteed

[Sidewinder]

This was doperiffic man....vocab was insane....and the emotion was awesome too....imagry was decent....and equallty important, the story you told made sense and was relevent....great job Sublime...keep em comin

[Sublime D]

thanks for the reply side...welcome to DD

[shawty"B"]

i like this peice a lot Sublime. it had great emotion that in a way to me seemed sort of abstract...but it was very good. the imagery was good. although i dont always say too much about vocab, the vocab here was very good. the flow of this although again abstract to me was great, it had a sense about it that just made it very unique. over all: this was a kind of abstract poem to me but very well written... good job...

..........fav part.........

Inverted vision, blurred from nine months interred
Beyond words, I scream to express supreme blight
Inhaling deep and then suddenly sight…
I am in the light


keep droppin


....bless

[Sublime D]

up.

[Sublime D]

up 2

[Spoken]

hey babes. oks just the title of this piece caught my eye, cause i was really hoping it was like a side of something about being pregnant from a guys eye. lol. i really like thou how you described what the baby saw and felt, put it in his/her eyes. gave it a good flavor. the vocab was great, flowed well, read well, got your point across clearly and with a strong solid kick lol. anywho i really liked the over all story of this piece, good from the beginning to the end.

T
True Love

[Sublime D]

up 3

[Sublime D]

up 4...

[spokenoh]

You are a writer who has helped me alot in a short season, Sublime. Thank you very much. I know I could never make it up with a some feedback, but you deserve something.

You were very precise with syllable count, as well as the meter in this. I feel honored you took my advice into account. You used all the words and especially verbs very stragetically, and painted an extremely vivid picture. If there was a poem of the month award in Poetic Scriptures, I would nominate this piece solely for the imagery.
Good metaphors, and YOU STOLE MY IDEA OF TAKING AN EVERDAY PROBLEM AND FLIPPING IT!!!!
Just kidding. You did a pretty good job for the most part, although I can't find a fault and I deduct points for that...lol. Good job man. Peace.

[Bounce]

Rules... Closed