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Thread: Manson Reborn

  1. #1
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Manson Reborn

    Ive come to an injunction
    I can hardly see straight my body is suffering a malfunction
    Maybe something happened with the doctoral construction
    Or maybe he misread his doctoral instructions
    Giving me another mans brain some how messed with my production
    Maybe Charles Mansons thoughts are currupting me with destruction
    My thoughts were faulty but his are a complete obstruction
    From this brain transplant Ive learned of unsolved abductions
    His powerful ways of seduction
    Now every thing he once was is put upon me with a feeling of currupion
    Emotions twisting me around massacres it has become an emotional eruption
    I try being calm an stick to what I know is right but Im losing my suction

    It was a November night when I felt the urge ripping at my skin
    The pain was unbearable the feeling was eating me from within
    I had no choice or control over what was about to happen
    I woke up the next morning with no idea where I had been
    My clothes were damp from the night before
    I cant remember what happened 6 hours ago anymore
    I take off my shirt an I see scratch marks
    Like someone had been clawing at me
    Did I really do what I think I did then I begun clapping
    The real me is back the Charles Began laughing

    To Be Continued...........

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    ^^^
    .......

  4. #4
    Banned
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    WOW, this wasnt actually all that bad, i really could feel your flow nicely, i think that all you need to do is elevate some of your lines, and add a few multis a little more often and you will be great man, keep this up i liked it

  5. #5
    Whiiteboy Daz's Avatar
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    wow....
    to much -uctions...stop trying to rhyme all the endings...u aint good enough for all of that...it sounds so noobish....but u can mprove...just rhyme other words....
    Always Impervious an Axis Power.


    Supermod Me.

  6. #6
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Thanks for the positive feedback...
    Daz thanks for the tip..

  7. #7
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Ok..

    Yes kill the ION-endings.seriously destroys what
    probably could be a nice piece.
    Nice structure somewhat of an ok topic.
    Just try harder with increasing the vocabulary
    or rhyme scheme so you will not have to use
    that ION -ending..

    Stay elevating.

    Peace

  8. #8
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Thanks Bio

  9. #9
    Yo
    Like the rest of these dawgs said,all those ion endings made it kinda boring
    Other then that,which you can eaisly fix,id say a great piece

  10. #10
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Thanks Xtreme

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