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Thread: <3 Samantha

  1. #1
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    <3 Samantha


    So here I am, laying down in reminiscence
    Take a sniff of the air, I can still smell your presence
    I still see your figure laying with me on my bed
    I dream about it at night, can't get you outta my head
    Your loving embrace and the look in your eyes
    Having fun together, we just make time fly
    You took hold of my hand, you took hold of my heart
    Outside of my house, neither of us wishing to part
    Neither to sleep, nor to go to work in the morn
    Hell hath no fury like two seperated lovers scorn
    Upon our reunion, we share a controlled passion
    Despite our differences in music, and differences in fashion
    I'm straight outta Compton, you're straight out of the GAP
    Yet everything changes when you are laying in my lap
    I promised I'd never fall in love after the pain that I felt
    Misogyny towards females, I wore a chastity belt
    But you came along, and proved me so wrong
    So long, Your love came on too strong
    Lowered my defenses, yet I can't interpret
    Ask myself when you leave if it is worth it
    Yet all questions are dispersed when you're here
    I shed away my shield, I let go all the fear
    I'm a victim of love, I so easily gave into it
    Here I am, 17, and am so ready to commit
    But I slow it down, I just want to indulge in bliss
    Here I am waiting, for your tender, innocent kiss...





    <3 Samantha
    - MadMan -

    Former Administrator's: Yes, We're That Much Better


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  2. #2
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    - MadMan -

    Former Administrator's: Yes, We're That Much Better


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  3. #3
    Beautifully Decayed Mesmerize's Avatar
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    Nice piece. The emotion portrayed in the poem was at an apparent level but could have been more in depth. Also I think if you had used more imagery it would have grabbed the readers attention further and help them to understand more of how you are feeling. Not a bad poem at all though. This flowed smoothly and vocab was at a decent level. I can see you have a poet's potential, keep it up.

    I would greatly appreciate some of your feedback.....
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131210

    or check out our crews latest collab...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=132031
    this one is being slept on pretty bad

  4. #4
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    Thanks Dawg, anyone else?
    - MadMan -

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  5. #5
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    well done. this was a slightly above par piece. some of it i felt was too cliche. for example... "Take a sniff of the air, I can still smell your presence
    I still see your figure laying with me on my bed"... try to get away from things like that, lines that have been overused in poetry. but i like how you came up with some nice imagery in areas like..." I shed away my shield," and... "Hell hath no fury like two seperated lovers scorn". the emotion was probobly your best part on this. vocab could have been upped. imagery was alright. but still could have been more. but sometimes, like if your giving this to your girl, simple is a better way to go. just some helpful criticism hopefully. it was still a good piece, enjoyed reading it. keep at it.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

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