User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: The Private Diaries: Concerning 9/11

  1. #1
    the_stank
    Guest

    The Private Diaries: Concerning 9/11

    The Personal Diaries of Private #65734, a.k.a David Gloucester

    A Stank Original


    America will always remember a day that lives in infamy, under the alias nine/eleven
    A select few joined Satan in hell,whilst the vast majoirty left this world for heaven
    I'll never forget the horrendous day when i was dictated the news that i most dreaded
    relentless actions of members of an organisation, now Afghanistan is where i'm headed
    I've been conscripted to a task force, with the single objective to seek needed revenge
    Family members of mine commuted to the towers,The taking of innocent lives i must avenge
    I explore the arid landscape of a desolate land,trying to locate the one named Bin Laden
    And on my soul i promise,that if the evil being is caught there will never be a pardon
    Whilst lying here in the desert, i contemplate what could drive a man to such an act
    Whilst lying here alone to my thoughts, i think how terrorism has had such an impact
    On the average lives of citizens, and the collective thoughts of a vastly normal society
    What breed of evil creature could murder so many with no thought or feeling of anxiety?
    Not only do we fear fanatics,but the aftermath of the use of Weapons of mass destruction
    All this terror caused by an organisation that halts its own nation from construction
    Never before has a single act against a nation afflicted such intense agony and pain
    If i was ordered to protect the felon from assassination, i'm not sure i could refrain
    Recently the US government has been shamed by unpatriotic and controversial allegations
    That by ignoring potential threats,they jeopardised our safety and ignored expectations
    But the public fail to see the real blame lies on the escaping mastermind convict
    Who by commiting mass murder has cause more deaths, like mine, in this ongoing conflict

  2. #2

  3. #3
    the_stank
    Guest
    some feedback would be nice

  4. #4
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    54
    Posts
    20,733
    Battle Record
    212-103
    Awards LLL Season Champion LLL HOF 200+ Wins
    Alright...

    I'll tell you why no one's peeping this...

    YOUR FONT SIZE SUCKS!
    YOUR FLOW SUCKS!
    AND SO DOES YOUR RHYME SCHEME!

    But your emotion is nice with this.
    The theme is current and your descriptions are quite good.
    The vocab is complex, some nice dictionary words, but not too many.

    You need to incorporate some metaphors, comparisons help descriptions.
    You got yours so well across cuz you basically just talked a big fat paragraph.
    The talking is what killed your flow...no multi's to help it along, no alliteration either.
    Wordplay would be nice also, don't know if you know how to do that yet.

    So, shorten the fuck outta your lines.
    Use a normal fucking font size.

    And follow a couple of my other bits of advice.

    And you may produce something people wanna read.

    Peace

Similar Threads

  1. Heartbreak Diaries
    By Soule in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: October 26th, 2011, 06:30 AM
  2. The Diaries: Part II
    By Cody Nash in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: July 20th, 2006, 01:07 PM
  3. Emo Diaries
    By Willis in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: December 24th, 2005, 12:31 AM
  4. ..::The Diaries::.. (4 Way Collab)
    By Cody Nash in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 106
    Last Post: December 6th, 2005, 03:52 PM
  5. alpha's diaries
    By Anonymous Roundz in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: April 11th, 2005, 02:25 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •