pandora`s triumph

[G.Hod]

With heightened stealth, we tightened belts by Orien`s decree
Whilst horizon blended with waters at point ninety degrees
Finally landing; the water crashed with a crystal contingent
Our crews gazed aghast at the jagged cliffs of New England
We set camp, the wet, damp floor served as tentative bases
For forty strapping men, who`d never met with the natives
When I look back, I realize that our deeds were appalling. .
& try to forget what I ignored when the leader came calling:
He approached with two others; the disdainful man sort of . .
Scoffed at our setting and said, “The name is Pandora” –
In perfect English: he left my voice and thinking entrapped
My mind marveled at the contrast between crimson and black
War-paint bordered his face, no movement on cellophane legs
When I stuttered, we traded face; mine: enveloped in red
He stole my voice; moving on, I just despondently glanced. .
As Pandora triumphed through camp with a box in his hand
A housewarming gift – interest, burning our feeble minds. .
Urging us to open the box filled with `internally evil signs`
This box, looking vibrant; took numbers & pocketed frowns
Had eyes drown in the depths and swirls of mahogany brown
As the settlement grew, its legend had found steeple tips
& shamefully rolled off of tongues & townspeople`s lips
Sacredly heralded – it`s lust crafted fair, devout patrols. .
Who unfortunately had left its whereabouts disclosed –

A lidless box brought war before the Persians had formed. .
Scapegoat not yet birthed, we held the most perfect of storms
Commercialism, diplomacy – it`s whole sector embossed;
By foolish Vikings who came before Culpepper and Moss
The worst of all held the lid; then, banished and took afar. .
To the twentieth century, still with his hand in the cookie jar
We wonder who – he`s instilled in all with fervent injustice;
The lid lays in the well-rounded lap of the conservative public.

Vote Kerry `04

11.You're an early Viking explorer, setting foot on north american soil for the first time...

[ILLunatic]

Make sure you post a link to another open mic that you left feedback to

[Lingwistik]

its nice man.....mad vocab, it was really good..........the ideas and concepts you had were well put......my favorite line was

A lidless box brought war before the Persians had formed. .
Scapegoat not yet birthed, we held the most perfect of storms

i liked this for some reason, but i really liked it, really cool i thought

the flow was also consistent.......i saw one stretched line but other than that it was consistent........the wording was pretty goo thoughout it

overall nice piece, please drop feedback in imagery pt 2 for, thanx
(its in my sig)

[Stryk9]

Yeah i really liked the imagery you really told a compelling story
the vocab was excellent and im glad you didnt sacrificie meaning to try and get a perfect multi when its not needed. very solid drop.

[Richard Parker]

ILL .. this was the best piece i've seen in a long time. you shouldn't close this, and i doubt he will leave a link - but close it if you must. well, screw it, i'll leave a reply for him & post it - whats the difference? somethings still getting a reply. first i'll reply to this though. . .

With heightened stealth, we tightened belts by Orien`s decree
Whilst horizon blended with waters at point ninety degrees

there could have been a comma after belts, without the comma upon first reading that line the multi was blended in with the line & i had to re-read it to flow it correctly. not much of a problem,the line had good vocab, the multi was good, just took me a second reading which isnt a huge problem.

Finally landing; the water crashed with a crystal contingent
Our crews gazed aghast at the jagged cliffs of New England

foreshadowing for the vikings part no doubt. or at least providing scenery which makes the vikings part later in the verse not come out of nowhere. obviously a well laid out story. nice multi again. but storylines more important. you dont seem to be sacrificing content tho so its all good - multies spice it up.

We set camp, the wet, damp floor served as tentative bases
For forty strapping men, who`d never met with the natives

progressing story... good.. vocab was good also , makes it much easier to read lines with relatively little action in them when theres interesting vocab to make you want to keep reading.

When I look back, I realize that our deeds were appalling. .
& try to forget what I ignored when the leader came calling:
He approached with two others; the disdainful man sort of . .
Scoffed at our setting and said, “The name is Pandora” –

the first two bars of this are kinda tough. when you first read them you say.. try to forget what? but then the next two clue in on that. the second line of this 'stanza' could have been worded better, it forced me to re-read and analyze further to realize what you were saying. (on first reading the "try to forget what i ignored" is confusing.. but maybe im just a little slow on the uptake)

In perfect English: he left my voice and thinking entrapped
My mind marveled at the contrast between crimson and black
War-paint bordered his face, no movement on cellophane legs
When I stuttered, we traded face; mine: enveloped in red

i liked the meaning of these lines which was harder to see for me without closer analysis. that in this case was a good thing, i liked it. the metaphor you used to compare an Indians red face to you being embarassed was also excellent. 'props.'

He stole my voice; moving on, I just despondently glanced. .
As Pandora triumphed through camp with a box in his hand

ironically you named him pandora and the box... box. lol.
nice vocab as usual.

A housewarming gift – interest, burning our feeble minds. .
Urging us to open the box filled with `internally evil signs`

ohh, i got a shout out in line one .

This box, looking vibrant; took numbers & pocketed frowns
Had eyes drown in the depths and swirls of mahogany brown
As the settlement grew, its legend had found steeple tips
& shamefully rolled off of tongues & townspeople`s lips

i dunno about a legend ahving steeple tips, seems a little forced. the second line was nice though. you seem to connect ideas & have a great storyline. thats what i always want to do, i find it hard to think up a topic and how im going to writer about it beforehand.

Sacredly heralded – it`s lust crafted fair, devout patrols. .
Who unfortunately had left its whereabouts disclosed –

ahaha. the townspeople got owned.

A lidless box brought war before the Persians had formed. .
Scapegoat not yet birthed, we held the most perfect of storms

ok i guess... but didnt hold that much validity to the story.

Commercialism, diplomacy – it`s whole sector embossed;
By foolish Vikings who came before Culpepper and Moss

dope. lol... i liked this a lot. gave some humor in a serious story.

The worst of all held the lid; then, banished and took afar. .
To the twentieth century, still with his hand in the cookie jar
We wonder who – he`s instilled in all with fervent injustice;
The lid lays in the well-rounded lap of the conservative public.

i thought it was an ok twist to the story. i liked the story better than the twist by far though. sorry i couldnt provide much more than encouragement .. this was a great piece in my eyes. i tried to give some tips though, but im 'out of my league'

heres the link for ghod, i'll just give one since hes already replied anyway.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...20#post1385420

[Ace of Aces]

Dope. i especially liked it because...well its obvious.

anyway, i loved the flow. the mutliple end rhymes were lovely, excellently done. the flow was perfect as well as the structure. props. the vocab was nice too, impressive. everything about the way this was expressed was dope. beautiful imagery, played out well in my mind. the writer's voice was tight. the topic was interesting, it actually made me want to see more. this is the first piece of yours i read. great job man. keep it up.

hit this up in return plz, thanks:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=127796

pz

[G.Hod]

thanks a lot - esp. feeble. I owe you.

[Laureate]

OK...I really really like your vocab....multis were good...but the words you used flowed together very well.....your imagryt was extrememly well done...it was like watchin a movie....this was real nice man...good story tellin...nice lil twist to keep the reader interested...though I was interested all ready...very dope piece overall....

please critique
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=127324

[Vital Lyrics]

not bad at all

[Topic]

wow...dope indeed. !st of all great way of keeping interest...not to many fillers were used just to rhyme...to me all bars had a meaning and kept adding to the peice. Vocab was very well chosen. I dont know how you know such words off the top of your head. Very well in that category. The twist was a decent twist...wasnt expecting anything but it was there and it was nice. Very well written g.hod. What league was this for?

[GFunk]

sick sick sick shit... real well developed story, and had a real nice meaning behind it... You progressed with the story, had a real nice vocab, nice multis and a real consistent flow.. this shit was real nice, I understood this from in and out, back and front, and had me interested throughout the entire time.. sick drop fam,