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Thread: The Telegram.

  1. #1

    The Telegram.

    This is a story, of a father of 3 children, and a husband of a lovely lady named Wilma. The devoted family man was drafted into the United States Army 11 months ago, and hasn't spoken to his family for the whole time. But an abrupt message from a local cab driver spears the children and mother right in the heart. Their father, husband, and most loved part of their lives....was killed.
    Introduction

    The first day of training camp, David Smith was drafted into the army
    at first his experience was delightful, everything seemed charming
    but no one would ever think, that the military is a legal cult
    when finding out that joining this team, would end up to be your fault
    and through the eleven months of dread, not one word was exchanged
    not a voice, not a video, not even an envelope with his name
    the lame excuses he'd thought of, why hasn't his family spoken?
    the feeling of emptiness, was indeed provoking
    a picture of them on his wall, in the room where he slept
    was tearing his heart apart, the hate ate right through his flesh...

    The Telegram

    While the Smith Family was relaxing, kids watching cartoons
    a beatiful Saturday morning, not knowing daddy died without the platoon
    mom cooking up breakfast, bacon and eggs was a lucious treat
    then a car door slammed, Wilma looked out, saw a cab parked on the street
    an elderly man propped his hat, to his chest then to his heart
    rung the door bell, the lady answered it, and felt her life tear apart
    the man read a telegram which stated the negative
    "I'm sorry for this tragedy" : Signed George Bush your President
    she slapped the note out of his hand, held her palms up to her eyes
    tears poured from her iris's, she was Mother Nature in disguise.



    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...80#post3413780
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...97#post3413797

  2. #2
    Dam. Good piece I only wished it was longer. It was really good imagery, great vocab, it flowed very good. It urged me to keep reading which is very good in an OM.

    a picture of them on his wall, in the room where he slept
    was tearing his heart apart, the hate ate right through his flesh

    ^Was very cool along with most of every other line.
    Keep droppin make a part 2 or something. Very good piece.


    pz.
    <<The real Renegade

  3. #3
    Word man, thanks, upping.

  4. #4
    Banned
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    a nice drop you must be good if ren thinks ya good

  5. #5
    jake
    Guest
    word...this was nice, nice topic...also alot of emotion and imagery in this piece...
    the vocab standard was str8...so yeah...the drop was nice...keep it up....1

  6. #6
    I swing on hoes Perpetual's Avatar
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    this was ok, it should've been longer, tho. i like your wording and it was descriptieve. a good flowing story. this could've been much better if it was longer.

    keep up.
    ORIGINAL BADASS


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  7. #7
    A few of the Chosen Lurid's Avatar
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    this piece was ok, the piece was mad short but i guess uve hear it before, the vocab was there and the structure was there, the flo was kinda slo and hard to follow, u had good imagry and i would give this piece 8/10
    Notarized Artistry

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