Next to me...

[IrishEyes]

This is my first poem...I wanna see what you all think...honest feedback...thanks...[I'll return the favour on your poetry]


Who can explain this pain I'm tortured with...
Just torch my wrists before they're slit...
I'm slipping to bits...
Never saw the risks...
Never saw the demons involved in it...
My dreams do nothing but revolve on it...

Who can Resolve this volcano of fear that's pouring down on me...
Burning my soul to ash, burnin' my destiny...
It started with hash, it started with laughs...
After school class, we'd pass but it didn't last...as I recall..
My world came falling all at once...
We'd light some blunts and arrange some weekend stunts to keep us up front...
But all that transformed as the cold weather warmed...
And as we grew tall, we didn't care how our lives formed...

Depression became a definite as our habits became deficit...
Theft to feed the pest...
Hash turned to nothing than less of it...
Human indulgences got the best of me...
As a few joints turned to serious ecstasy...
I wrap the rope around my neck as your mind can see...
But I was too blind to see...
That all this time the devil planned my misery...
It's a mystery but it just happened to be...
So now I leave you with this note, covered in blood...
Next to me...

[FUBAR]

It was pretty good.
I felt the emotion. But the flow IMO was off a bit.
And the structure was too. But, you had very good vocab IMO, too.
So over all I think you should work on your structure.

[IrishEyes]

Thanks for the advice, I'll do that