10 - 20 lines
verses due by midnight tommorow
topic is a baby's dream
good luck this one will be intersting
Lyric
ChriZno
10 - 20 lines
verses due by midnight tommorow
topic is a baby's dream
good luck this one will be intersting
checkin in...good luck
A few achievements here and there
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checking in..............
ill have my verse down porb by t night if not ill post it later when i get home tommorow.
A spoilt Baby’s dream
Mom where are you? This is all so confusing
Is that shampoo in my eyes… Stop the Abusing!
Oh… there you are right beside me… Giving me a bath!
Maybe if I cry… she’ll let me free of her wrath!
Wait where did dad come from? we where here all alone
Ooo is that a crumb? Yum! Let me free Sharon!
That crumb looks so tasty, sitting only feet from the tub
Moms talking to Dad, time to get hasty, I’m goin in for the grub
I can FLY! ... how did I get outside? Ooo is that a bird?
I want some pie! I want inside! This is absured!!!!
A Neglected baby’s dream
My tiny room is spinning again… moms never here to save me
Room… barely more like caging to keep me from escaping
I hate this stupid place it almost makes me wanna hurl
Would someone please make this all stop… stop the swirl
I wish I didn’t cry but I cant help succumb, the tears just flow
Maybe if I let out a yelp someone will come, say what’s that glow?
Never mind that’s just the TV in the room next door
What are all these shapes I see moving across the floor?
None of this makes sense to me I’m so scared
I Want my bottle but its full of coffee… I wish someone cared
A baby's dream
No cares in the world, no responsibilitys to hassle over
Dreams of being like mommy, or at least a few years older
Sleep as often as I can, and it's neverending bliss
Until I wake up and find that my reality is jus shit
I dream of eating food, like the big kids always do
I don't crawl, I fly through space, around the moon
*slap* I wake up suddenly, And instantly start to cry
My head is pounding, I look up and then realize why
My daddy is towering over me, enraged look upon his face
He shouts verbal insults at me, calls me an accident and disgrace
He says "Quit sleeping and dreaming you piece of shit, I fuckin hate you"
"Dun cry cause I interuppted your sleep, kid you ruined my dreams too"
I cry and cower in my crib, awaiting the finishing blow to be dispersed
Half of me wants to live, but dreaming forever seems a lot less worse
I dream when I'm a wake, of better times that have yet to come
My life is a nitemare, nothing I can do, as my life links come undone
Last edited by ILLunatic; March 24th, 2004 at 06:56 AM
A few achievements here and there
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^Edited for bold and italic in the title.
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uppin1 lets get some votes on this
ill return the favour with an honest opinion if you leave a link.
Your both new to topical.. And it shows.. Although it shows more with Chrizno..
My advice for C is..
Try and keep it to one solid verse.. This is not the type of topic that you need to split into 2 verses..
You need to work on your transitions.. You had an iight.. But it could of been smoother if you used nicer transitions from line to line..
Try and hit topics better.. Think of unexpected things.. You did that in the second verse.. Sort of.. Your second verse was the best.. Didnt like the first verse at all.. With all the baby talk..
Lyric.. You have slightly more experience in this area.. You didnt break your piece up, to badly.. But try and keep it into a single verse..
You had more emotion in this..
v/ lyric..
Read what ive wrote.. And you will get better.. Both of you can learn from this..
Hit up "For The First Time" (link in sig)..
Thanks..
Pz..
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thanks for the vote freeman uppin...
ill return the favour drop a link and ill give my honest opinion...
Chrizno
Your piece was ok, but I think you need more emotion and better metaphorical use... And like freeman said it wasn't the type of verse you need to split into two verses... Also try adding some multies, it spices it up a bit, na mean? Basically I felt you didnt pour your heart out into this piece, it wasn't deep and emotional... So I give your piece a 6/10...
lyric
Pretty nice verse.. You hadda couple interesting concepts, like the baby wanting to be old like mommy, and wanting to eat big people food and shit... More original then Chrizno's verse... Also I felt it was more like something a baby might dream about, more real if ya know what I'm saying.. It was just a allround better verse then Chrizno's... Emotional... Had some depth.. And more original..
I give my vote too lyric for having more depth, being more original, and havingm uch better concepts..
v/ lyric
Peace.
Sorry for the freepost, I'll add a poll vote to this once I get to 100 posts... Shouldn't be too long now guys...
Peace.
Chrizno - Decent verse I feel that you needing my imageary and creavtiy that all but i felt ur verse it was good
Lyric nice verse i was feel yours too nice imagary and good creativy but don't mind my spell just rushing
Vote = Lyric
return the favor
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117633
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MY AIM IS ETEJOHNSON
flow: Lyric had a better flow cuz his rhymes came nicer and Chrizno didn't had gud a wordplay and he didn't had a gud patern in his verse
punchlines: Lyric had more and better punches cuz they came harder than Chrizno and Chrizno you didn't have any gud punches, you also didn't have any personals when Lyric had several gud personals, Chrizno you need to elevate man
structure: again Lyric takes this cuz Chrizno hadn't a gud structure cuz I didn't felt his ritmn
Overall: Lyric, return the favur man, check my battle in my signature, thx..........
Chrizno - honestly.. i wasnt feelin this at all.. very basic concepts.. didnt explore the subject deeply enuff or come at it from a new perspective.. it was ruined also by breakin it up into two verses like that.. quite unnecessary.. but keep droppin an readin other peoples stuff an you'll soon improve..
lyric - openin paragraph was ok.. middle section contained best lines of both verses.. an closer was similar to opener.. if u had stayed as vivid an imaginitive as u were in the middle for the whole verse this would'v been a much better piece.. but as it was u still wrote nicer than Chrizno an came at the subject from a newer an more interestin angle.. far from your best but still nice in parts..
Vote = lyric
<table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>IJL & DWI</table>
in my opnion lyric took this battle with ease...his flow was better he had a much better structure and his topical blended together...i didnt really feel that Chrizno's bleneded and i was feeling lyric's alot more.
vote/lyric
i can tell that both of you havent had that much topical battles...you should both work on your flow and wordplay....
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