Alone....my first poetry drop

[Avenge]

...I need to be criticized....

Deprived of love....filled with the feeling of emptiness
The sad feeling of being alone...
like the bullet in chamber....with an empty clip
I need sombody....sombody to hold and be with
Somthing to love me back....that I feel i can plant my seed with
But I seem happy...cause my facade is flawless
yet I feel incomplete....I want Anything....good, bad... just not this
when i feel ive found the right one...
she seems rare like a nights sun....
but as always shes found sombody else...
The bitch is heartless....my pain is never felt
Yet as I front with my Impeccable smile....
even as i sit and write this....
I seem cool....with my expectable style
yet my hearts broke like a clock....thats timeless
So i try to harness the emotion...
swallow my pride and stand tall....
teears flow like the ocean...
as I stand in the back of that damp stall...
I cant get up....SO I CANT FALL
Red stains the whitness of the bland walls...
As it falls and trickles....down to the floor...
I cant believe all this happened...from being bound to that whore
My friends warned me...to late now...life is slipping
Every drop form my wrist...and my lights r dimming
wait here it comes I see it so brightly...
oh shit....Heres my last breath....i grip it so tightly
I might be....a martyr...but thats just like me
wait what does that say on the side....
I still love you andy....and ill always stay by ya side.............

feedback would be appriciated

[ChriZno]

i liked it, it had alot of feeling and you got your point across nicely.
structure could use some work, and it was kinda long i think you coulda had just as good a peom if you made it a little shorter but still got your point across.

[Avenge]

Thanx alot man...ill work on it....

[Emerge]

good.......


or something

[Erupt]

yeah.... avenge.. you are DEFINATLY more suited to writing this sort of stuff.. this was one the best bits of writing i've EVER seen from you... you should stick to this coz i feel you can elevate in this style a LOT more than you can in battling... i think you could become a major force on RB in topicals and open mics if this is how you drop on your first attempt.... major props and well done

[Raves]

I feel like you just uploaded your thoughts onto your computer and posted them up

there were a couple of lines i really liked here:
"Yet as I front with my Impeccable smile....
even as i sit and write this....
I seem cool....with my expectable style
yet my hearts broke like a clock on the wall....thats timeless"

I think the whole piece really pivoted around this thought of the pain inside w/ the "i', o.k." exterior, the whole while, that pain has brought time to a stand still for you, but no one else notices...

On the other hand, i guess i'm something of a traditionalist when it comes to poetry, i've always been a proponent of structure (in one form or another) when it comes to poetry.....i think it's obvious you have a hand for poetry, but anyone can just let it all flow out in a jumble, i think this would have been more emotionally efective if it were structured....think of it like throwing a bucket of water on someone (the way your poem is now) as opposed to forming an ice cicle and penetrating the readers heart... if you do a re-write on this i will be anxious to see it

[Avenge]

uppin..........................

[Cracked]

i think it was great. i really felt it. u made me believe u were alone. keep writing

LiVe Or LeT LiVe

[Laureate]

Like this a lot Avenge....really nice rhyme scheme and imagry and emotion...thats what makes a good poetry peice and you nailed them all. Opener had me hooked...real nice meta...good peice..especially for ya first drop.

My first drop http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=119931

[..:: SpOrTzDiScIpLe™::..]

i liked it alot good drop ...nice rhymes.....good flow........nice structure .......
and i was really feelin it good job ..9/10

[thephilosopher]

not bad audi/avenge

Feeling some lines not many
some lines played in a sense of used metaphors/similies
But like ol' boy said
you are pretty good with this style
If This is your first
It'll prolly be one of your best peoms/songs

Keep at it
Kinda how I wrote a while back

All around
Better than most

[Philo]

descriptive elements are there,
structure was lacking.

work on structure to use it as a sort of punctuation.
I also would work to use proper grammar and spelling if I were you unless the negation of it is for a particular purpose.

I hear the idea, and I get the emotion, I just don't feel the effect that could be there.

A poem is a structure, use that as a tool to convey the message in an effective manner.

And work on the use of rhyme scheme, harness it rather than simply adhering to it.

good luck and nice first one.
.peace.

[Avenge]

Thanx....uppin

[Spoken]

you definitly have potential, and for a first poetry drop this wasnt bad at all. you had a pretty smooth flow, that was easy to follow, good structure, thou a bit raw at times. the emotion was strong, and the content was decent, it got your thoughts, feelings and story across, with good detail. one thing to work on thou is try to get away from those simple everyday similies, like for example in your piece you used "teears flow like the ocean..." that is one you read almost everywhere, trying making it more unique, it will give more feeling, and bring more interest.

check out "evil beauty"

T