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Thread: SS: Pickup Lines

  1. #1
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    SS: Pickup Lines

    Pick Up lines



    After the man, woman were made for reproduction
    But their egos, caused this theory a obstraction
    Standing in rows, All man trying to catch a mate
    but receving blows, at a disturbing rate...
    than one morning a man awoke, and thought of a plan
    A revolution that he thought.... would save every man
    "Your so beautifull", the words that started a revolution
    and they grew into much more, going through a evolution
    As these words evolved, They became a lot more complex
    the great mystery was solved, men started getting more sex
    but it all dissolved, when woman cought the act
    lines contained no truth, and woman started to re-act
    females they couldn't attract - it was fustrating the males
    they tried by physical force , but were only filling jails
    But history repeats itself, so here we are once again
    the pickup lines we are using, once again are becoming lame
    and the male species is loosing, and if our guide is time
    your really loosing your breath, with a pick up line

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Nice - lighthearted piece. Flow was pretty good. I liked the kinda subdued humor in it. Thought the last line should maybe say "wasting" instead of "loosing". Nice piece - hit something(s) in my sig if you get a chance.

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    Hence Forward

  4. #4
    Key Tone
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    Humor definitly felt, i like this piece its about a different lets say cool subject.....nicely worded i would say 4/5 nice shit check mine

    Born,Sold and Lost

  5. #5
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    Hmm...I can see that you are just getting better and better by pieces...
    Dopey~~~~Who are you up against this week??
    Anywho,I really have only one thing to say...
    <<--Will Be the Flash Poker Champ Again!!!!!!

  6. #6
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    ^he's up against me this week =)

    this was a decent piece, eki. You have good vocab and flow, I just think you need to strengthen your writer's voice. As it is, it just seemed like you were stating facts as opposed to standing up for your opinion. Another way to strengthen your writer's voice to is to speak from the heart; take the topic and turn it into something that means something to you.
    As it is, though, you did pretty well with this. I'm gonna have a hard time writing to this topic today =).
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

  7. #7
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    ^^ hehe yeh man ... it was hard for me with this topic.. didnt really know how to flip it

    and mr Penskills ... i was up like 1200 and than my gambling side kicked in But i shell forever be number 1

    up1 ...

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