Racist Triumph

**Moniker** · March 7th, 2004, 09:45 PM

(not a vet but ill give an opinion)
this was very well written. the combinations of your storytelling, imagery, and vocab made this piece worth reading. the imagery in the first stanza set the sceen. vocab throughout helped the flow. the structure was on point. what stood out to me the most was the storytelling. even though it was short you were able to get your point across.

favorite line(s) - "Just the emptiness of life
Time seems to fade like dust
With the immortal sound of tears"

nicely done

evilbombsquad · March 11th, 2004, 07:52 AM

this illustrated nicely, but honestly i have no clue in what this peice ment.
last line did give it a personal feel to it, but it to deep for me to cypher out
no stress though, stay up
peAce

**Laureate** · March 12th, 2004, 07:28 AM

Do I count as a vet opinion?

I really likes this...my only criticism was that it was so short. Great use of vocab and emotion. Bars were short an to the point. Jus a well done piece overall

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118104 peep

**Sand** · March 12th, 2004, 07:33 AM

in my opinion, this was decent.
make it brilliant. peace

**Bounce** · March 13th, 2004, 02:36 AM

Well let's see... Not much I can say, that has not been covered... It was a good read, simple in structure, direct and meaningful... I was not filled with emotion, but I did understand where you were going with this. Like sand mentioned, you could have put more into it, maybe aim for more emotion, don't get me wrong, this was a good drop by all means... I just think you want construcuive critiques, so turn up the emotion, coupled with vivid imagery, and some strucutral transitions... Content was there, just was not complemented as well as I think you could have...

Respect
~Bounce~

**Reeco** · March 14th, 2004, 11:16 AM

^^ thanks everyone!!! uppin......................

mcBUtiful · March 15th, 2004, 01:33 AM