All Dreams Come to an End

[Iron Knuckles]

ok this is my first thread so just kinda help me out...just starting out...give me some crtique...

All Dreams Come to an End

Our Friendship was broken
You said it never could
You say I'm the guy you truly adore?
But my happiness is foremost in your mind?
Then let me look for my trip of that kind.
Your love has changed
As you said...the end you did arrange

You wish me all the happiness

That the world can offer me?
Then let me be

Have your feelings changed?

You say the answere will be - never
You lied and now the answere is - forever.

Are gonna wait a life time?
The way you seem to be acting..
That time has stopped.
No more am I in your heart...

This is the ending to a new start
Pray all you want...

You and I both know you dont mean it

I'll remember how close you was

I'll remember how easily you wanted no more

Whatever happened? I left your heart

Now your love has to depart...

[Figure]

Ey, when u ask for critique Im pretty sure u meanin the more experienced cats on this site, so I dont kno how much this gon help.
But, I did feel fo ya piece, and undastood what u were trying to say. I jus thought u needed a little mo imagery, y'kna, jus to get the meaning a little farther.
Anyways, hope u return the favour

[ßÁߥ GîR£ "£"]

I thought this was a good drop, the only advice i can give you is that you need to go deeper with your feelings....other then that I was feeling you

[cubanito4lyfe]

wow..that was gay...an idiot can do better

[phoenix808]

hmmmmmmm...
I thought it was pretty good, but could use some work. Try not to force the rhymes so much. like here

But my happiness is foremost in your mind?
Then let me look for my trip of that kind.

the second line doesn't flow as nice because you changed the grammar to fit the rhyme. sometimes it's better to just free-verse a poem then to try and force the rhyme too much. and the whole go deeprer into your feelings and everything too. a simple poem can have more emotion and be more meaningful than an overly complex one that doesn't say anything. Hope this helps.
peace

[mcBUtiful]

that was ill. you have a lot of talent. keep writing.

[Iron Knuckles]

yo, thanks guys, ill work on all that shit. And for those who thought it sucked...bite me. Like i said, im kinda new at it. uppin for more critique.