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Thread: -[ Inside A Tormented State Of Mind ]-

  1. #1
    Newbie Prophesized-Con's Avatar
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    -[ Inside A Tormented State Of Mind ]-

    A Little Long But .. Chekkit ..


    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards InSANITY - This Tension is RIPpin me Apart ...

    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards Brutality - This Tension is Floodin me With Darts ...


    What Would-You-Do , If You Were Ever In-My-Position
    When Shivers Shook-Through-You Ending Only-At-Submission
    I Only-Trust-Religion And Fight To A Whole-New-Tomorrow
    But Like Sick Petitions I Emancipate Into A Hole-Of-Sorrow
    Insides Holed-In-Hollow And I Feel Sick-In-The-Stomach
    Swelling All Over But I Feel Like Im Pricked-And-Im-Bustin
    Stick-To-Discussion And I Won't Be Subject To Precussions
    Tortured Daily But The Doctors Claim Its Only A Concussion
    And Im Sick-Of-Bluffin , But They Claim My Dick-Is-Touchin
    Would I Ever Learn From Shit ? But There Ain't A Hitch-In-Blessins
    I reflect back-to-the-times and think about What-i-done-wrong
    Smack-go-the-signs that i may never be What-i-once-Was
    Got-To-act-strong and guide myself through this Period-of-Tension
    As i Elapse into corners like the Centre-of-Attention
    Through Interiors-of-Darkness Im totally Stripped off my Powers-of-Prowess
    Exteriors-of-Hardness compell me to Redeem with Showers-of-Caress
    Enough-with-this-Softness im Just Trapped-Like-the-LochNess
    No One's Answerin-the-Questions when im just Slapped-with-Shockness
    Im Plain Sick-of-it , This tension is Gettin On My Nerves
    But i Hav to Stick-with-it Just attached so that i Can't Get Rid-of-It

    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards InSANITY - This Tension is RIPpin me Apart ...

    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards Brutality - This Tension is Floodin me With Darts ...

    I Glance-at-the-Clock and see the Hour Glass Flippin
    As i set my Stance-for-the-Shock just to find myself Trippin
    Over the Unexpectancy , Of What-the-Time may Seem-to-Bring
    Shut-the-Nines, wrap em up, Go back and Redeem-to-Sing
    "End-all-the-Beef", the words dont seem To-make-Sense
    Cuz i Send-all-the-Streets in dismay for Just-Eight-Centz
    Dooms-Day-Sends us all through Tremor-and-Confusion
    Strenour-and-Delusion guide us towards Tension-and-Illusions
    -Of mere happinness ...blinded by-the-fake-light , We're just Mistaken
    Bout Peepz gone High-to-stay-Bright , Mental skill Forsaken
    I start to Fear-my-own-Shadowand take Refuge-in-Corners
    To Steer-My-Self-Shallow of the Deep thoughts to Diffuse-in-Order
    Confused-and-Disordered I sense only Chills-thru-my-Spine
    My Skill-stays-Inclined cuz i seem to Spill-the-Shit-Behind
    Still-Shit-aint-Fine !! When will this Reign-of-Terror Cease ?
    By stayin Clear-of-Errors will i survive this deadly Sleaze ?
    Only Death-and-Destruction,but about When,We Can-Never-Tell
    can't escape with Stealth-and-Obstructioncuz our Life Will-Never-Sell
    -Upon Our-own-Will,We are purely Destined-to-our-Fate
    It seems Sour-but-Still,Fate is Unknown so Just keep on Restin-at-the-Gate

    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards InSANITY - This Tension is RIPpin me Apart ...

    No one Can Define whats Happenin Inside
    My Tormented Mind Cuz It Just drives me Blind
    Towards Brutality - This Tension is Floodin me With Darts ...

    Feedback yo ..
    Net Rekkord - 47~6

  2. #2
    Banned
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    You need to leave 2 links of replies you left or this will get closed, Thanks.

  3. #3
    Newbie Prophesized-Con's Avatar
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    ight .. i already have replied ..be back with the links in a second yo ..
    Net Rekkord - 47~6

  4. #4

  5. #5
    Newbie Prophesized-Con's Avatar
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    does this mean i can get feedback now ?
    Net Rekkord - 47~6

  6. #6
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    okay, first of all, give better feedback on other people's pieces. If you give memorable feedback with decenct advice for improvement, they will reply to you.

    secondly, drop that newbie-assed style. Ditch the hyphens in between words, it look bad and distract the reader from the piece. You didn't even use it to show multies, the hyphens were just there.

    thirdly, try to write with emotion, eh? This just seemed like cold vocab being forced out. Nothing emotional or touching about, no lasting impression, just words. Concentrate less on the technical aspects of writing and more on what you're writing about. Once you have decent content, you can worry about fattening up your pieces with great vocab and flow and that kinda stuff.
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

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