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Thread: Corrupted Visions: Visions of a Dreamer [dope piece leave feed]

  1. #1
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    Corrupted Visions: Visions of a Dreamer [dope piece leave feed]

    aigh't proply here's some new shit by me bit of a different style so tell me what y'all think leave a link to one of your open mics and I'll be sure to hit it up in return thanx in advance hope u enjoy.

    Flowin to: Step Up by Linkin Park

    Verse #1:
    watch him as he walks, as he talks, steppin up to lock down the shots/
    he steps short of breath can’t keep it up as the bullets pierce through the kevlar vest/
    but he wakes, alive and well but the dream still grips to his mind/
    tangles up his heart crushing him to creations of sights gone blind/
    he dreams and dreams, realities of death a thousand times/
    and almost every night he wakes to find that spirit drains a little from his life/
    he doesn’t know, oh no he doesn’t know the meaning of these visions/
    but soon, soon everyone around him will become the ultimate witnesses/
    cuz with every passing day, his past gets shrouded in dark clouds and rain/
    and u can feel the pain, burning throughout his bones and his veins/
    cuz he’s a dreamer, and a dreamer is all he’ll ever be/
    through these rainy nights, and bloodied streets/
    but please, leave the man as he drops down to his knees and pleads/
    for he can’t be helped, cuz he’s a dreamer... and dreams are all he’ll ever be/

    Hook:
    he’s a dreamer, a dreamer, who can’t face realities life!/
    cuz he’s stuck in a dream becoming his life in realities sight!/
    he’s a dreamer, a dreamer breaking down up in the mind!/
    cuz he’s stuck in a place, where there is no sense of time!/

    Verse #2:
    the days begin to pass and his mind begins to age/
    driving him in every which way including insane/
    thinking of all the hate, and the greed, cuz these are the things he see’s in his dreams/
    causing him to bleed internally from all the killing that he is forced to believe/
    but one dream in particular caught the man by surprise, it was dark, it was cold/
    and the smell of blood and violence was deepening the crimson red skies/
    bells of doom rang, nearly splitting his head creating him to burst into rage/
    furious, he leveled the city of rain with his crazed demonic deliverance of pain/
    but, it was then that he found, a small town shrouded in the darkest of clouds/
    and hence forth from the small town came the most eeriest of sounds/
    and as he walked, he came across bludgeoned bodies that were being stocked/
    some chained up to locks, the man was lost and confused in a state of thought/
    he tried to think of a reason why, these people would keep remains of bodies/
    rotting next to each other side by side, until he heard the loudest of death’s cries/
    then suddenly bodies around him began to wake/
    lifting themselves to stand with him waist to waist/
    it was then he realized, it was now that he found the deepest meanings of life/
    cuz restless souls cannot be at peace for they were branded from seeing the light/
    cuz of their immense hate and lust for greed/
    punished by god to live in dreams eternally/

    Hook: (written by Gene Pool)
    he’s a dreamer, a dreamer, who can’t face realities life!/
    cuz he’s stuck in a dream becoming his life in realities sight!/
    he’s a dreamer, a dreamer breaking down up in the mind!/
    cuz he’s stuck in a place, where there is no sense of time!/

    Verse #3:
    and it wasn’t to much longer, the days of young became old/
    for god bestowed the man as one of his sons after his game was sold/
    yes he was bold but he found the end of his life’s line/
    a 50 caliber pumped into his chest a total of 9 times/
    he found out, the truth behind his dreams of sleep/
    but when he woke reality struck him dead on the streets/
    which concludes my story of the dreamer


    ....... because dreams are all he’d ever be/
    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

    <center>Corrupted Visions</center>

    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

    Act One:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>
    Polished and refined to bring a new groove to crews/
    gestures meaning lesser to negotiations between me and you/
    so what’s this heartache all of a sudden edge’in to your seat/
    fuck it, cement shoes and 200 feet oughta be pretty sweet/</table>


    Words of Wisdom:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>it's perplexity set in a realism of our world/
    it's textual content, stepping stones on broken pearls/
    if wisdom is a need be vent for visualizing truth/
    then let be proof, demise the break between adults and youth/</table>

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Nic Caesar's Avatar
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    HMMMMM... this a bit interesting mate... nice piece... i actully liked this one... had a lil pounce of annoy to it... i likes... it was a good piece.. multis were sorta ok...wordplay was there... complexity was fair... overall... 7/10 ... wasn't the best i've seen but decent enuff

    yep.... Peep my... L.I.F.E ..Peice ... Yep...

    Caesar - On3

    ~Sitting In Elevation Position~


    CorruptedVisions

    The Forgotten UnMasked Legend... Is Back...

  3. #3
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    This was a pretty good piece here man....I liked it....The hook was pretty good, kinda catchy lol....all the verses seemed to flow pretty good, it had a nice flow to it....you had a nice story in this, I liked it....good imagery I thought....structure could be fixed up a bit but it was still a good read...keep at it man.

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    upppppppppppppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn come on peeps don't sleep on this.
    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

    <center>Corrupted Visions</center>

    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

    Act One:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>
    Polished and refined to bring a new groove to crews/
    gestures meaning lesser to negotiations between me and you/
    so what’s this heartache all of a sudden edge’in to your seat/
    fuck it, cement shoes and 200 feet oughta be pretty sweet/</table>


    Words of Wisdom:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>it's perplexity set in a realism of our world/
    it's textual content, stepping stones on broken pearls/
    if wisdom is a need be vent for visualizing truth/
    then let be proof, demise the break between adults and youth/</table>

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    come on ppl stop sleepin on this leave me some feed. thanx in advance.
    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

    <center>Corrupted Visions</center>

    <center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

    Act One:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>
    Polished and refined to bring a new groove to crews/
    gestures meaning lesser to negotiations between me and you/
    so what’s this heartache all of a sudden edge’in to your seat/
    fuck it, cement shoes and 200 feet oughta be pretty sweet/</table>


    Words of Wisdom:

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    color="blue"><table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>it's perplexity set in a realism of our world/
    it's textual content, stepping stones on broken pearls/
    if wisdom is a need be vent for visualizing truth/
    then let be proof, demise the break between adults and youth/</table>

  6. #6
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    well then... i would saya on the whole i came togehter decent, but felt that in places the rhyming was a bit forced or not carried very well.... i would revise some of the lines, alsosome seemed a bit stretched, would have been better with a few pauses highlighted..... only trying to help.. all any one ever says is the good points, which dont help you so.... but the scheme was ok... few mice internals would help.... but all in all quite balanced....... keep at it gene..... oh im too lazy to get a link.... jus find my drop....lol...
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

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