The Whistle

[Koalatee]

Political propaganda, if you will; this would be my indictment of the deplorable conservative masses of America. Thanks for reading. .

A global whistle, composed of missiles exists in the focal ring
Of journalists & attention-seekers with their lips on its opening
As its tune varies, the rude tarry in a flu that nervousness rids
Sadly, our grandparents gave birth to slews of conservative kids
& they're still children; they bicker forever, as the mill inside me skewers
To an uneducated state rivaling those of Bill O'Reilly viewers
The whistles scream amidst the dreams & easily threaten my voice
Producing results in which Truman would frown upon his weapon of choice
Metaphorically-rich? Yes - but they're still haunting samaritans
Plus its a dose of their own medicine; selective, yet daunting comparisons
Its luster is gone as clusters of fawns are shining in cages. .
that heed progress whilst "Elitists" take turns defining outrageous
I see things like rappers turned activists, & guitarists that dance
Everybody wants everything; now, we look too far in advance
A new generation, a new look - which trails the collaging winds. .
of past & present faces, who each have been jailed up by Washington
"Why?!" do you ask, is a side of us masked & in debt to the self. .
Why are we jailing the "probabilities" that "might" threaten our health
Everyone wanted to blow; In minds, cases of burglary mounted
We all wanted to hold the whistle, that leaves things purposely clouded

[Richard Parker]

Nice piece, I will attempt to break it down. But unfortuanately, it will be hard to do anything but awe at your work - your open mic skills surpass mine.

Pros: Your Structure was excellent. The rhyme scheme was excellent also. You rhyme twice at the beginning of each sentence, and once at the end with the next line, it flowed nicely.
A good choice of topic, unfortuanately it seems that most of rb has avoided this as they do not keep up with politics.

Cons: Went a little over the head in some areas, because you were speaking to metaphorically.

A global whistle, composed of missiles exists in the focal ring
Of journalists & attention-seekers with their lips on its opening

for example that. while it had a nice rhyme and ring to it, it was hard to grasp. I think i understand what you mean by a global whistle, but although i have a good vocabulary, I do not know what focal ring means. I do understand what your trying to get across in the second line though.

As its tune varies, the rude tarry in a flu that nervousness rids
Sadly, our grandparents gave birth to slews of conservative kids

personally i think that it would have rhymed better if you had said "nervously rids" and conservatives.. but your choice, still went ok.


Although my cons list is longer, don't worry, the pros far outweigh the cons. Great piece. keep up the good work, hope to hear more soon.

[Koalatee]

^ Thank you very much for your useful feedback. As for the line in question,

A global whistle, composed of missiles exists in the focal ring
Of journalists & attention-seekers with their lips on its opening

By global whistle, I mean the opportunity for anybody & everybody to get their hands on attention by the simple blow of a proverbial whistle. Hence the title of attention-seeking media hounds: "whistle-blowers." As for the meaning of a "focal ring," I really should have put a few periods after that line to make sure that the reader knew I meant a focal ring of journalists, etc. In essence, a "focal ring" is an important/heralded group.

Admittedly, "focal ring" wasn't the best choice of words I'm glad that somebody mentions my mistakes, & reiterate that I'm thankful for the reply. Peace

[f-gee]

word up..so to speak
another koalatee piece
agree with the message hundred percent too..
the metaphor of the whistle and its use thru out the piece helped me to grasp your views
your word choice was of high standards again and vocab not lacking..
flow was there as well..
i found the way u wrote it informative too cos if i didnt understand one line i did after the next one..
cant quote...cos theres a few lines i could..
props again
check mine out if you will

[Endeva.]

i agree this was a good read... the construction of the verse was nice and choice of words brought it together...along with the topic which was also on point.... a well written verse...pZ

[Koalatee]

Thanks, upped.

[Nahlidge]

Nice piece here man ... Dope message in the verse ... Dope content ... Well written piece as a whole ... Had a good meanin' to it ... I was diggin' the rhyme scheme U used in this ... That made it more interestin' to read ... Flow was good and the verse was easy to follow as a read ... Nice job ...

& they're still children; they bicker forever, as the mill inside me skewers
To an uneducated state rivaling those of Bill O'Reilly viewers

Its luster is gone as clusters of fawns are shining in cages. .
that heed progress whilst "Elitists" take turns defining outrageous

"Why?!" do you ask, is a side of us masked & in debt to the self. .
Why are we jailing the "probabilities" that "might" threaten our health

Those were stand out lines of this verse to me ... Nice metaphorical meanings thru out this piece ... Some had to be thought about to understand ... But that was dope ... Once again nice piece here and keep writin' ... Peace

[Koalatee]

Thanks, Ment. Upped prior to bed-time!