more advance due to your honest criticisam thanx

[TRIBAL]

Im alone stand up tall i find myself down overall
This key to my heart i gave you but you seemed to jus throw it away
I dropped every word down hard that it jus seems like its been ingraved on a stone


Another day another gurl i seem to pour out but like always i drop and fall
Your gone for ever but the things i said and you answered seems to always stay
the pain i feel about this is like livin without a strong structure picture livin without a back bone

This is the hardest i had to do say good bye for ever its better but the hurt will always stay
I jus wish this will stop one day,i wanna find someone that is there and will never go away

this is wat i feel like a boy who loves a gurl another love story for the dairy of tribal
I'll trie to stay in tact with myself for there should be someone for every one but this hard to believe

so jus peace

[TRIBAL]

well there is a rhyme scene

123
123
4
4

5
6


its another step up in the game
honest critiscim plz thanx

peace

[Neruda II]

to be honest i didnt like it at all..it just seemed simple. it didnt seem like the emotion flowed good either, it seemed forced. i could see sum talent but theres sumtin blocking it. try again, thas all i can say.

rhymes-4
similes-3
emotion-4
message-6
metas-0
overall-17/50
final comment- its not that u have not talent, i dont mean to sound like im dissin u. im just being honest, i can see that u will get better, just keep tryin man. keep ya head up.

[TRIBAL]

yo dawg thanx i'll take it as an honest opinion and not personal

can i get some more

peace thanx