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Thread: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    Under the Mushroom Tree
    Jonathon & Mindless



    Disfigured faces invite tragedy
    into a new world of war & warm welcomes.
    The seed of violence grows
    as it bursts into a forest of death.
    The multi-colored rip-tides slide by;
    yet for only a second unnoticed...
    Winds begin to blow in a cool icy breeze
    as the steaming water evaporates into ghosts.
    Lead quickly spreads the deed,
    & eyes get heavy with greed -
    succeeding only later with never-ending sleep.
    Hearts beat at the doors of love;
    stubborn dirt rubs the pain in,
    years of dirt that have came in:
    just blow up, explode,
    amazement in faces -
    the emotion shown in moments...
    Times when minds collide with addiction:
    and our fiction becomes fact then,
    rolls over to dirt, that now pollutes the sky.
    Our ground zero prays that one day
    a tree could sprout from the clouds...

    It's an intangible soul I want to hold -
    an aroma of despair but no visuals
    to console the ash colored eyes
    of a unified group of blind rebels.
    The heartless comply to receive cold stones
    pumping in their chests, lest theirs one
    ounce of life left in their bones.
    Oh, the disconnect of those
    with hands clasped six feet above
    the frozen ground, all dead in the air
    and ascending into hell.
    We'll remember it well, if heaven
    ever enters this script in the
    Book of Blood that's turned to dust
    in the hands of the corrupt;
    legalists who held the pages together
    between red hands until they rusted shut.
    What's concealed is only appealing enough
    until it's revealed, and reality still
    hasn't felt as believable as my ideals.
    So what's all the hope for, people?!
    We've stuffed explosives and
    hollow steel with love
    but guns, not roses win a war!
    And from every saint there rises
    a hundred sinners more.
    This wondrous horror is an oracle
    telling us of the future we have in store...
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. #3
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    word this was deep as all hell, just at the very beginning the thought of a forest of death is so cool to me I'm big on things like that and it leaves a dramatic image in my mind so yeah imagery was really strong in this and vocab was good too
    very well written drop from the both of you

    AI

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    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    Artificial.Intelligence

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  5. #5
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    wow this was really good actually,ok this might not be the best break down that you two happen to deserve, but im going to do my best to deliver my opinion.
    i actually never read a piece from you two before this was really dope, both of you meshed together really nicely the wording that both displayed whoever was which doesn matter flowed into each line nicely, i thought the imagery from the first line throughout was great the best imagery being at the start because it displayed a permenant visual inside your head throughout reading the piece.
    the omtion was executed nicely here also i little mellow throughout the read which was prfect because a little to much emotion could of threw everything off and destroyed the whole read....good job
    a few good metaphorical scriptures/lines ive ran across while reading that made me go awwwwwwwwww.
    anyways you guy's should collab more often honestly- wouldn't hurt, but before i leave you im gonna posts my favorite lines.

    First
    Disfigured faces invite tragedy
    into a new world of war & warm welcomes.
    The seed of violence grows
    as it bursts into a forest of death.
    The multi-colored rip-tides slide by;
    yet for only a second unnoticed...
    Winds begin to blow in a cool icy breeze
    as the steaming water evaporates into ghosts.
    Lead quickly spreads the deed,
    & eyes get heavy with greed -
    succeeding only later with never-ending sleep.


    Second
    the frozen ground, all dead in the air
    and ascending into hell.
    We'll remember it well, if heaven
    ever enters this script in the
    Book of Blood that's turned to dust
    in the hands of the corrupt;
    legalists who held the pages together
    between red hands until they rusted shut.
    What's concealed is only appealing enough
    until it's revealed, and reality still
    hasn't felt as believable as my ideals.

    ''Nom'd''

    rtf

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-362048.html
    Last edited by Kaotic Theory; March 2nd, 2008 at 07:48 PM
    AI

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  6. #6
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    Jonathon - I liked your approach of irony, and the overall concept of kinda going back n forth on the good and bad. It really added emphasis to the devastation you were ultimantly approaching. Also the metaphore tied in by the title the picture etc..you dispalyed quite well. It was a rather sound verse, perhaps a bit safe on vocab. and could of been a bit more creative with some in topic ideas but would never say that is a bad thing..just figured some negative feed is also never a bad thing...even if i have to dig a bit lol.

    some fav lines..

    The seed of violence grows
    as it bursts into a forest of death.
    ^^nice concept..imagery.

    Our ground zero prays that one day
    a tree could sprout from the clouds...
    ^^again, nice concept..and imagery!



    Mindless - You had great imagery, and great inner piece ideas that kept the verse refreshing and fluent. Nice word choice, and play with words. Good use of vocab etc. You took the topic and went real deep and focused on the death etc that you both were tryn to bring out...you did it in a very straight forward way but did it still in a creative n some what subtle way which was nice..Overall, your verse ended the piece very well..in wrapd the concept up all in all...

    favorite lines..

    Oh, the disconnect of those
    with hands clasped six feet above
    the frozen ground, all dead in the air
    ^^very eerie imagery, good take.

    It's an intangible soul I want to hold -
    an aroma of despair but no visuals
    to console the ash colored eyes
    of a unified group of blind rebels.
    ^^powerful 4 lines here...good stuff.

    OVERALL - Your styles were very similiar but what worked out well is where one focused less on the other used it as there strong point..there4 it added up to a very well rounded finished piece. Which is all you can ask for in a collab. so props.

    Jon - thanks for feed on mine n ledge's collab.
    Mindless - Please if possible RTF on ^^^
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    thanks bro
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    Dope!

  9. #9
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...st-362382.html
    hit this guys, appreciate it.





    real good guys... definitely worth the nom it got I'll say first off... I enjoyed the read fairly well, the concept is pretty dope/speaks a lot of truth... you guys definitely hit the point here.


    We've stuffed explosives and
    hollow steel with love
    but guns, not roses win a war
    ^oh god yes... that was pretty fucking dope.


    Disfigured faces invite tragedy
    into a new world of war & warm welcomes.
    The seed of violence grows
    as it bursts into a forest of death.
    ^and this was down-right amazing... I loved how these first lines hooked me and right off reading them it gave me that "when it rains it pours" vibe. definitely a good part right there.


    I'd go into more detail... but damn, I think it's all been said... you guys did really dope here. styles clashed pretty well too surprisingly. good stuff, keep dropping men. I'll keep reading.



    - Nash

  10. #10
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    thanks thanks!
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    feed my piece you whore cake.

  12. #12
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    mufucker i will.

    i hate it when people push me to do shit. i promise, it might not seem like it but before this week is over everyones shit will be fed. k? I'm a busy man though, and a tired, sore one at that.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    oh n just to let ya'll know. if this gets slept on i'll castrate you all
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    This kinda had this eerie undertone throughout.....seemed like it had alot of anger geared at wars.....and violence.
    Like you were pointing out how devastating wars and violence itself can be.
    I liked the topic but at times it just seemed a little gothy and scary even for my tastes.
    the pic is very haunting but it added to the imagery in your verses for example:

    It's an intangible soul I want to hold -
    an aroma of despair but no visuals
    to console the ash colored eyes
    of a unified group of blind rebels.

    I really like how that sounded...its very picturesque and descriptive I guess...
    anyways dope collab and dope piece overall....
    thanks for writing this piece.

  15. #15
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Under the Mushroom Tree - Jonathon & Mindless

    thanks for feeding for those who left decent feed.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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