U.G. Gold Vs. Sneeky

[Tim]

Sacred Scriptures Week 05

U.G. Gold Vs. Sneeky


Verses Due: Friday, April 13th 2007 11:59 PM Pacific
Voting ends: Sunday, April 15th 2007.

Leave 3 Vote Links In Checkin Or you will lose 1 vote per.

[iTopic]

Check...

[Blackflags]

Hello

[U.G.GOLD]

You Raise Me Up
by Micah

He spoke,

"Like intricate droplets, enclosing a puddle of water
Greek's political bodies circled Mythology's border..."
Greece claimed the suburbs by feudal monopoly
The Khalisa valley, a peace ruled by democracy
Lead morbid by fate, the grand soldiers of the state
Lifestyled that of Ares, god who ordered their faith
Women entertained the young by word of superstition
While the men enduldged into mortal games of submission
Adolescent males, trained by true arms of the sword
As if young Spartan hearts, notorious for the art of war
In these days, rumors traveled of a secret society
Of demons who roamed nightly, building armies of rivalry
The tale whispered "...by moonlight & whisteling hymns
They ride backwoods to crop fields fishing for kin
Raising foriegn varieties of young ones to alliance
Teaching them advanced battle lore & of science
Let children play by daylight, at dusk they shall rest
Or else when the black woof howels, yours will be next..."
A campaign of it's enigma...

As gossip reached Khalisa, the crime put fear in youth
Soon the young were kidnapped by the tirant's recruits
Children who venture dark woods, following the befriended...
...On dramatic eves, were swallowed by the legend
The sound of a gallop behind them & a scoop by the sash
Clothes ripped in halfs, they hovered above the grass
A moment occurring so fast, consciousness dreamed
As if they were falcons flying low at incredible speeds
The horseback demons abducted youth into sufferage
Riding off into the moon, carrying a child like luggage
Thats the last they'd remember...

Seasons past into decembers, years beyond the captures
Now Stood a bright city of youth & reform school of masters
By day they attended classes; science, math & the senses
Becoming an enlightened nation, of a crusder apprentice
By night the teachers allowed fraternization w/o curfew
To the promiscuous student body, love was no virtue
Couples eloped & some infatuated; walking the ropes
But not far or beyond, the walls captivated their oath
The pendulum moved the seasons along & alone
Abuducted ones now had kids who had kids of their own
The elders crafted poems of the mission...

"...The sands of time quickened w/ much freedom afloat..."
The oldest citizen wrote, "...my body an ocean's boat
A laying wreck, rusting dry in the hours before me
Built with inclined prestige, of wealth, power & glory
I am the justice of the inevitable, a mirage of distortion
Among strangers, like a sick man's colage of misfortune
All symbolic orphans, a mixed species of the tide's son
Taken away from our school of fish by an evil Posiedon
So we lay top deck, sun rising, at the close of our eyelids
Evolving from washed up sea creatures, into proud pirates
A nation of alliance; diversity & strength of valor
My story is the myth apon which Carthiage was born"

[Blackflags]

good verse.......

The Art Of War:

He holds his blade close, trembles as he persperates
No emotions, Nothing but cold and empty words today
Battles are but beauty to him, drives his inner self
To carry out any action to end this bitter hell
His imagination drifts, as he starts to clear his mind
And swings his blade oh so swiftly, to forget the fear he hides
No family is left to his name, he has no reason to live
So he's changed himself completely, unlocked demons within
He can never be killed, he will never see to his end
Death and hate piece together and are completed in him
Past the breaching of sin, his body made for one reason
To bring destruction to men, actions past the act of treason
No blood through his veins, just a poisonous fluid
He kills everything in sight, but his choices are fewest
He has no rythym that drives him, his tired heart his sore
So he paints a picture with his blade, He is The Art Of War

only had time to write this so far...If I get back in time tonight, I will add more....please don't penalize me, because it says nowehere in the rules that I can't edit my verse.....SO PLEASE DON"T VOTE ON THIS YET

[iTopic]

alright sneeky, i think you had your chance to edit...that was 2 days ago. can we vote now.

[Johnny 6-feet]

U.G.Gold- nice work man. I liked you take on the topic and i really liked how the story unfolded. You came up with interesting imagery which drew me in and kept me there until the end. The historical feel of the piece was a real strong point. The vocab faltered once or twice, but in a piece this length that was drops in the ocean. Good narrative, good twists and turns.

Sneeky- This was pretty good, you established the boundaries for a mythical charecter well. There was a a lack of detail though, which drew away from the piece a fair bit. the vocab was nice enough, the narrative was smooth. But i felt you could've done more with this. I wanted to know the origin of this warrior and the narrator was a little too detached for my liking.

Vote- U.G.Gold, better story, better narrative flow, better imagery

[Tim]

U.G. Gold wins
Sneeky loses