The tales of the ink

[Jon]

The tales of the ink

Color me in a memory book,
drawing back to those -
sweet, bittersweet times.
Vivid pages & painted words,
my imagery is prominant;
outstanding on a flesh canvas.

Ms. Debbie cakes -
my girl and chocolate syrup.
Kinky, but sweet,
sticky to the touch;
she never wanted me to forget.
I left her stuffed with cream filling.

Ivory drips its greenness,
a pinch of red scraped scars.
Thorns invite porcelain hide,
it peels only when I'm done.
Write me a book of art;
or paint me words of hope.

My diamond in the rough
shining brighter than suns -
oh so far away from me;
bring them closer, please.
You'd think I'm famous
while I'm dancing with the stars.

A breeze defeats limbs,
swaying my cold body.
I'd leave, but never fall -
I'm not a September person.
But I'm raking, still shaking
in fear of weakness, starving.

Hungry for truth but actions
louder than volume itself...
That's why I don't talk, I do
not socialize. I motion lives.
Set back time, it's sit back time.
Chaos has yet to scream at me.

Call me a tatted tale -
just picture me, with pictures.
Life's ups & downs,
call it war pain, forever remaining.
I like it, it reminds me of scenes;
all the memories...
Alzheimer's can't take this away from me.

[Ebolorama]

what the fuck is with this picture? Stock wrote something with this same basis. I havent read his yet but I hope that they arent close to the same topic. I just had to state that before I actually read it.

First Stanza
I thought that it was good and that the wording was really nice. Its a decent beginning though I thought that it could've been a little more captivating. I am wondering about the whole sweet/bittersweet line just a little bit. I get the concept that you were trying to put out but just a little confused on your choice of words.

Second Stanza
I think that you're either describing the girl tattooed on the guys chest or you're talking about little debbie snacks. I'm still not to sure but I think that this was alright but I just wasnt feeling this part to much. I feel that the concept was kind of blah after reading the first. SO I dont think that this was a very good follow up stanza.

Third Stanza
I'm not to sure weather I get the whole concept on this one. I was honestly thrown off when you said that "Ivory drips its greenness". The whole time I think its Ivory what are you saying. I think that you made up for the confusion with the last part though. I really like the metaphor that you put at the end and and the closing line tpo that staza was really nice!

Fourth Stanza
I wasn't really feeling this stanza to much! I didnt think that it was carrying anything really. It was just kind of blah to me. I kno0w that you're trying to look at the picture and draw some type of inspiration and just put it in the computer. I dont know if you captured this picture that well.

Fifth Stanza
I'm not sure if you're describing the guys body type with a metaphor but once again this stanza just seemed kind of weak to me.

Conclusion
I know that you're a better writer then this and we know each other so I'm being honest with you because I want to see you drop nice all the time. I feel that you might have rushed this and I dont feel that it was totally ready to be dropped. I know that you're way focused on dropping nothing but the best. I think that if you take a little more timie and just go over you're poem more you know what I'm saying. I really liked the first stanza in was nice and put together well! I dont know what happened after that but it was to good. I will get back at you about the collaboration topic my friend.

[Spekz.]

well this may be a little brief - compared to the over-achiever above me lol jk.


This is the kinda poem from you that makes me want to collab. I feel like you'll pull me outta my slump,[/nohomo] i have been slippin off my high-horse like mad lately. neways.

The imagery was dripping wet, metaphores welcoming, it read very well, and you where able to keep each stanza entertaining and meaningful. dude above me said this wasnt your best n was mediocre...n maybe hes right but i think he overlooked the meaning behind each stanza...i felt it had an abstractness, but a comforting message behind each sentence. Idk maybe its just me but with so many different pictures painted by each stanza and the relativity they had to you wrapping it up..and actually kinda catchn me offguard with it all... idk, im completely rambling..im tired blah


but neways, i like the piece cuz i found the words to be very indulging and beautiful.

keep up.

[Jon]

Preciate the feed both.

Ebolo - I was talkin' about his different tatoo's... & basically, his family was prone to alzheimers so he wanted tatoos to remember his favorite memories, hopefully that way he wouldn't forget them. But much love for leaving constructive feed. This was a topic in IE btw, so maybe thats why you saw the picture more than once, I wrote it last week against Abiona..

Spekz, thanks for the feed.

[Spoken Deity]

I think I commented on this before... but anyway...

This was pretty well put together in my opinion. It had some good original imagery littered throughout... Intelligent stuff aswell. I'd say what needs to be worked on is some of the played imagery though... There are some places where you use played imagery without a good twist on it; so it just doesnt read well. But other then that, everything good. There were also lines that were good, painted the image, but didnt fit very well to me...
You had good structure and line breaks; show-casing certain parts of imagery that needed it. You had decent word vocab.

overall, not bad...keep er up

[Jon]

thanks