Super Hero

[A.T.]

I wish i could be a few different people,
Superman, wolverine, fighting against evil.
Dont get it twisted this is a metaphor, catch the tone in this
I'll thwart all the evil motives of heartbreak and lonesomeness!
I'll end murders and suicides if i was faster than a speeding bullet,
flying around town melting triggers before anybody can pull it.
The phantom in satin pants, turn invisible so i can track ya plans
i'm batman with a gat in hand throw the pistol away before i smack a man!
Damn,
If i had all of these powers, i'd cut down on murderers and physical abusers
Cuz i'd take care of the bullshit and leave you to the penal code... losers


I don't wanna be a mr. violent guy, so I just wanna use a verbal accord,
Cause when weilded properly... that shit cuts twice as deep as a sword,
hate for any man to sleep in a morgue, rather help the criminals prosper,
Not in a life of crime, but on some honest shit... thatd be just awesome,
But, then it hit me, and just then, its like I had the strength of ten men,
But, peace talks are my goal in this, because I got criminals that are kin,
And after trying to talk myself outta about a hundred.. messy situations,
It always came down to fist... and me versus everyone that I was facin,
So I began to shoot first fuck asking questions, its like I found my worst,
In every situation, and every cat that was actin crazy... left in a hearst,
See, Im nowhere near what I thought I'd be, Im feeling more like a villian,
Gettin pissed off at everything... thought I'd be protecting, but I'm killing,
But I keep on......... just hoping that I'm still doing more good than harm,
It's all in my mental state...... so if evils broken in, there is just no alarm,
I'm keep fightin, givin all these people a better standing chance than hell,
I mean, what the hell... even lucifer fell so I keep telling myself...that I'm...


Flying around the city.. My arms and face all bruised red
Just got done stopping a building from fallin on a dudes heads
Saving bitches, making riches and producin a fiesty mess
And I'm not talking super power when I mention the icy neck
I'm hurling villains, chillin with a grin ear to ear
N now I can tell my cautious wife that there's nothing here to fear
Now everyones hiding their broads, cuz this crews always takin these girls
Everyone is low key like it's me and C. Damage vs the world
So enough with pimp game, these wimps lame.. I'll make a juicer weak
It's like I'm a big shot drug dealer the way I got this super speed
I'll spear a dude thru a wall, make em fall, spaz and sprawl
Then I'll take n lock him up after receiving awards from the city hall
Hit a couple energy bursts, now I'm chuckin boulder rocks
Put my bicep to a train, then walk away brushin my shoulder off
Tuck the kids in at night.. I just hate seeing my sorrowed sons
Cause now my hometown is safe
..until tomorrow comes..

thanks to RapStyles and Kuhn...


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...947/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...781/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...573/index.html

[A.T.]

...

[Extinctor Draconis]

first thing that screams out to me is: a lot of awkward wording throughout the whole piece, along with poor choice in rhymes.

right from the get go you have an awkward line:
I wish i could be a few different people,
^would you say that while talking to someone? Try saying, "I want a few different toothbrushes" it just sounds weird because it's poorly structured. Not to mention the content throughout the whole piece is just weird and sporadic, lacking and real lucidity. The rhymes were too basic with only 1 syllable rhyming; I mean, there are some decent writers who can pull that off(check out silky sky), but even then you have to make sure your lines are content packed. Also, a few of the rhymes, didn't rhyme lol: kin and men, prosper and awesome, etc. The piece fells like a collab with no cohesive style or thought.


Biggest advice I could give to you is: pick a favorite author, poet, or song writer and imagine if that person who would write what you're writing. If not, scratch the whole idea until you find something worthwhile.

[Prophet Margin]

I sortof agree with Diomedes^

Akward wording throughout, and stretched bars in the first verse, and not enoughh internal rhymes to make up for it

I really like the concept tho, i could tell you had some good ideas for it

i would say, revise this, fix the wording and simplify some of the lines.......think of some sicker rhyme schemes to throw in.....and this will be dope

but hey, good work.......decent rep for Cd
stay up

feed if you want
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...769/index.html

[Official_Snapz]

I don't wanna be a mr. violent guy, so I just wanna use a verbal accord,
Cause when weilded properly... that shit cuts twice as deep as a sword
^Great part of the beggining!

I can see the flow and structure in this bro, keep shit like this up and itll all go well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
If i had all of these powers, i'd cut down on murderers and physical abusers
Cuz i'd take care of the bullshit and leave you to the penal code... losers

Pretty good line but if you think about it, its kinda wack bro Id go like this if I were you

If i had all of these powers, i'd cut down on murderers and physical abusers
Cuz id be beatin lex luthor,the who hard fuck yeah, I beat like the bruisers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Just sayin.
I like your style bro, just think of soem stronger shit man.
I also think this raps concert is kinda childish but I guess it depends on how ya think of it

[El Heisenberg]

its def a great concept. you have provided some entertaining lyrics.. the whole rap was nice but for just a couple of bars maybe the ending words on each couplet was poor and uhm. sorta didn't really rhyme,... this totally eliminated your flow when it is supposed to actually connect it to your next bar.. honestly the misuse of your rhyme scheme made me pay less attention to your concept and feeling towards this key because it wasnt the best..

[Rapstyles]

Dig a hole n bury yourself in it Snapz


EDIT:If you have a complaint, take it to the chat thread.

-Diomedes' Love Child

[Official_Snapz]

>.> Rap, you wanna talk shit about me? Keep that fuckin shit in ya mind bro..
#SwagginBitch

[Rapstyles]

Uppin

[143]

This is a very different drop but I see the creativeness within the structure. The middle was more of a rant like how little kids do when they are trying to tell a story (I could be wrong) and to play both sides of right and wrong to figure should you be a superhero was cool. Then ending was ok, I thought it was a step down from the middle verse and the opener was a good set up. Overall this was a decent drop in an odd way. I seen better from you but I love the urge to do something that is not the norm. Good job.

[Rapstyles]

Upping this Ill rtf

[DaneDiamond]

Use multi sylabolic rhyme schemes...

If your first bar has a two sylabol word you rhyming with, in the second bar dont use a one sylabol word...for instance, Accord, sword. This throws the flow of the piece off tremendously...

'I wish I could be a few different people --
Wolverine, superman or something that's equal --
Nothing that's lethal, can you catch the tone-in-this --
I'll thwart all motives of heart ach and lonesomeness --


Use transitions like I did here ^^ "Something thats equal, nothing thats lethal" Than start your new words for rhyming...its a much more solid way of keying...also dont use words to much...you had evil twice in your first four barz....dont do this